I am an idiot.

As some may have noticed, especially Twitter followers, I've been recently screwed over by something vaguely resembling feelings. (Because I have none.)

I don't know why I feel like I have to write this out here, but this blog has been such an integral part of my life that I feel that if this chapter is missing, it just wouldn't be right. Or this could mean I'm slowly turning into an old woman with only a blog to go to her grave with. (I don't like cats you see.)

And I can finally write this now because he's now on a plane flying back to where he's currently studying. He's back here for a visit, and we have mutual friends.

Two nights ago, after one of our meet-ups, I felt something I couldn't really put a name to. I didn't know if I was flustered or perplexed or indignant or SOMETHING. I was just confused. When I talked to people, I just kept saying I don't know over and over again.

"No I'm not really sad. It's just ... I don't know."

"Well I guess I don't mind. I don't know."

"HOW MANY STATES IN AMERICA?!?!? I don't know."

Okay I do know. 50.

I had to google that.

Anyway.

It took me a while but then I finally found a name for what I was feeling. I was just ... happy. That's it. I was content and happy. And the reason it was so hard to pinpoint is that I don't think I've felt this in such a long time.

Unadulterated happiness is not this rush you feel when you see a guy, or a constant smile on your face as you walk down the street. Those are ephemeral rushes or sparks of happiness. Pure happiness is when you just feel so at ease, and you know there's no catch or twist in the plot.

But I've never known that feeling before so I just ended up being confused. Like a LAMB. That's right like a LAMB let me repeat that LAMB.

Especially after having ended a long-term relationship so badly I became so hardened by cynicism and my belief that relationships never equal happiness and that there's no such thing as love.

FYI I still don't believe that relationships equal happiness and that there's such a thing as "true love" or "the one". Nothing has changed yet.

But I guess there can be exceptions.

I guess I will laugh a little less at people who think they've found their true love or are happy in relationships now?

HAHAHHAHAHAH YOU SORRY SUCKERS!!!!!

(Sorry had to get that out of the system first.)

(I cannot type a blog post without randomly bursting into some nonsense can I.)

I feel like I'm leading you guys on a blog post to nowhere. Ok let's get to the good part.

He gave good hugs. They were tight, firm, warm and sincere. When he kisses me I like it because he holds me tight and squeezes me. He makes sure to give a good goodbye everytime. (Empty street. 6 in the morning. "What was that, that was such an Asian kiss!" says he.) I like his voice, it's one of the sexiest I've come across in a while. He held my hand once when we were walking, it still makes me smile. We're good friends before anything else. We talk a lot, and we laugh a lot too. I like how we lie in bed and just talk and when I laugh doubly hard he'll hug me tighter. I like how I still think about the nights when I will just lie my head on his lap and watch him talk. Lying on his chest with his arms around me is the best feeling in the world. I tell people about the first time he picked me up, and they get jealous as hell. When I'm with him I literally can't see anyone else. He tells me he feels safe with me. He uses his player moves on me, and I enjoy it. I like how when we're together in public he touches me like he knows he can have me. I like the last thing he said to me before he left. He gave good hugs. They were tight, firm, warm and sincere.

I like how if he sees this and decides to cut off all ties with me RIGHT NOW I wouldn't mind because he already gave me three good weeks and it's not the length of the time that matters when being with people like him. I would have been happy with that one Friday and anything after that was just extensions by chance of good luck.

Sometimes being with a player is not that bad. At least he knows how to treat a woman right. I would choose player over boring person who is loyal but knows nothing about treating women anyday. The real trouble is only when you fall hard for the player but I'm a girl who knows my boundaries so I'll be fine. :) Sometimes I slip and fall, but it doesn't happen often.

He's not the only guy, it would be stupid to say that, but he's definitely one of the few guys in this world who will make me feel this way, and that I want to feel this way about.

He's not going to give me a relationship, or promises of a future, or even a lifetime of memories, but he did make me happy for a while. And that's okay. I wasn't looking for anything three Fridays ago, and I'm still not, but I'm glad I found him. So no, he's not my boyfriend, to put it plainly, he never was, he's just someone very special to me.

It was 3am. I walked down my friend's condo and I saw him waiting for me in the lobby. He was standing next to his black big-ass Nissan, in his plain black t-shirt. I walked over to him, gave him a hug and he kissed me on the lips. Then he tugged playfully at my dress collar and said, "Let's go ok?"

And the rest, they say, is history.