Note: This was written even before the “Coward” one. Was waiting for the right moment to publish it.
Wee Lim and I have broken up. A long, long time ago. I found out, recently, however, that he had cheated on me during our relationship with a friend of ours, Peg Ni, in Melbourne as well as on another occasion back in Malaysia. (FYI,
Peg Ni also had a boyfriend at that time so she was the cheater
AND cheatee. Classy.) So now I am a scorned ex-lover writing this blog post explicating everything. Now I can choose to make further acerbic remarks like, “OH MAN HE COULD NEVER GET IT UP” but I shall refrain.
:D
Because this situation entails a long history of things, a very complicated web of factors and effects and I can only fit so much, content and feelings-wise, into a blog post, I am going to attempt to write this in a way that does not pass judgment on my ex-boyfriend. It’d be unfair, and because it’ll influence the way you look at him too, so whatever that falls under his section will just be described neutrally.
What I am going to do, however, since I’m allowed to anyway, is pass judgment on myself. Let’s begin.
Wee Lim and I have had our problems going back to before he left for Melbourne. We were doing just fine until I royally fucked up our relationship. If I say it here now, you probably wouldn’t get it because it seems like extremely simple things, but trust me, to fully understand anything I am saying here you would have to take the feelings you assume WL felt, and multiply it by ten. Then you’ll get the gravity of this situation.
I knew I’ve been a bad girlfriend and I knew I hurt him so much. It was so bad that when I put myself in his shoes and thought about how I made him feel, I had to yank myself out of his role because it was just too hurtful to bear. Looking at the stuff I did to him, over and over again, really you’d wish you could just put an end to the relationship yourself. The pain heaped onto myself, upon seeing the things that I did, was equally unbearable. I started to hate myself so much.
Once in SATC, Samantha had an actual love-based relationship with Smith, but finally one day she went and fucked Richard Wright at his party, which she attended with Smith. Smith knew about it. When she was done she came back downstairs and Smith was waiting right there for her there, and she actually REGRETTED fucking Richard Wright (for people who don’t know, Samantha NEVER regrets and she NEVER loves so this was special for her).
So anyway, when she saw Smith, she broke down and said, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I hate myself for doing this to you.”
That scene was so powerful, for me, because it epitomized exactly how I felt. That’s
exactly how I felt. I didn’t know what was wrong with me at the time when I did all those horrible things, until now when it’s over and I am reflecting upon them. I hated myself so much for doing it to him. The way I felt about myself and what I did … I couldn’t decide whether this, or putting myself in his shoes, was worse.
It’s to the extent that when I found out he had cheated on me with another girl (a friend of ours to boot), the fact that he got pissed ass drunk with her and were all over each other in a friend’s house, and proceeded to spend the night together back in his house (according to him nothing further happened ie he didn’t fuck her. My reply was, does it matter?) and then her leaving his house at 7 in the morning, even when I found out about all this, and about the other (minor in comparison) infidelity incident that happened in Aloha bar a year back … I just couldn’t feel hurt for myself because when I did, I would compare my pain of knowing my boyfriend cheated on me with what I’ve put him through in the past, and, somehow, somefuckinghow, his cheating became justified in my head.
And that’s when I started to compensate like mad. I just wanted him to be happy, even at my expense. If cheating was what made him happy then, in the midst of all the pain I was causing him, then I came to terms with that. I was hurting him so bad that seeing him happy at my expense became acceptable, almost welcoming, to me.
BUT THEN AGAIN, I had played the role of the crazy ex-girlfriend very well too. (Though with decreasing frequency in correlation to my mounting guilt.) I realize how I might have painted you an image of myself as an angel but it’s not all AWW POOR EX-BOYFRIEND thing for me. I have unleashed a few of my little surprises on him as well. No one cheats on me and expects to get away entirely unscathed, can they. (Though like I said in this case I already hurt him enough from the start so it cancels out slightly.)
Okay so that’s it about us.
That girl, on the other hand, the little slutwhore that she is … I don’t know. Natural consequences, baby. I think exposing her here is humiliation enough, I don’t wanna pass any judgment on her, I’m not gonna say things like “HEY SLUT HOW DOES A BURNING CB FEEL LIKE” or “IS YOUR CB ON THE SIGN OF A SHOP BECAUSE IT SEEMS TO BE OPEN TO EVERYONE” – modified from SATC, or “Are you sure you’re my replacement because I didn’t see you in his rebound girls catalogue”. Oh no no I won’t say all that about her at all, I’m not even gonna make any judgments on her hair color, education level, jejune opinions, bad English, simply because… I’ve already done it many times furtively in the past MUAHAHAHAH. Some things are just self-explanatory anyway.
Oh in the spirit of neutral descriptions, remember that Peg Ni also had a boyfriend of her own at the time when she was making out on the floor with my boyfriend. :D
Anyway it’s pretty hard to insult someone who doesn’t have the same intellectual capacity as you do. Imagine me trying to be all witty in a nerdy way, like “I hope you will one day teabag a man who has Adolf Hitler’s coital organs! Or should I say, organ? Ho ho ho ho *those upper class laugh*” Or or or if I said something like, “Instead of warning people about the industrial-military complex, President Eisenhower should have warned America about you!” Okay this one a bit makes no sense. But nevermind it still sounds smart.
Probably the worst insult to her would sound like that:
Hi there everyone! My name is Regina Phalange and I am a confident, achieved and ambitious person with a commendable aim in life. How about you?
TEEHEEHEE.
I mean, I’m still not going to pass any judgment on them. It’s just that, Wee Lim, from now on, this is going to be how we’ll be explaining our break-up.
Someone: Oh, I heard you and May Zhee broke up! Why!
Wee Lim: Oh she was a bad girlfriend, she ignored me, she basically kicked me out of her life, she was cold to me, she wouldn’t care about me when I needed her, she really hurt me deeply, she would not reply my SMSes, or even talk to my on Skype, despite me being in Melbourne. She totally did not treat me as a boyfriend or a human being. That’s why we broke up.
Someone: Oh, I heard you and Wee Lim broke up! Why!
Me: Oh he cheated on me with this girl named Peg Ni.
I’m just saying.
PS - By the way, you don't have to feel sorry for me, or for Wee Lim, as a matter of fact. We're getting along just fine now. We're going to the Manchester United game together, we're planning movie marathons, etc ... we'll be hanging out very often. As friends. If you have to feel sorry for someone, feel sorry for Gertrude (it's a new name I've given to Peg Ni :D), because like hell am I going to let her go just like that. I am going to nurture this antagonism for at least a few more weeks and then I'll let it go for good. How am I going to do that, you ask? Honey, what do you think those Manchester United tickets are for?
