How to make a guy's life easier. [edited]

This is really why I look at relationships with such disdain. It's a lot like watching a monkey trying to piss off an unresponsive piece of wood. I say monkey because they look like they'd be pretty good at mind games, in terms of animals of course. And I say wood because the poor guy is totally oblivious of the monkey's stupid mind games. Let's take a review on the areas that a girl can probably make her boyfriend's life much easier.

1. I want you to want to do the dishes.

Or

I want you to call but I'm not calling because I'm waiting for you to call so it shows that I care because I was waiting for you to call even though I didn't call so this shows you don't care.

Honestly, what the fuck is that?! If you want to call, WHY NOT YOU MAKE THE DAMN CALL? What's with the "I'm waiting for your call and magically expecting you to know that I'm waiting for your call"? WHAT IS THAT? Do you expect someone who can't remember to put the toilet seat down to remember to call you every five minutes?!?

Which brings me to my next point ...

2. Please call me every waking moment of my life and inform me of your every move.

And you wonder why his friends dislike you. Here's a better idea. Why not as he is sleeping, sneak up to him and GAS him, and then implant this GPS tracking device thing in him (I'm sure Garmin or whatever makes one of these I-am-a-psychotic-girlfriend-so-I-need-to-track-my-boyfriend devices), preferably somewhere he cannot see, like his forehead, and then you get to know wherever he is anytime, anywhere! Isn't this your dream come true?

But seriously. Give the guy some space. If you're constantly worried that he might be meeting some new girl then you're just insecure and he's not showing you that you can trust him so it's not going to work anyway.

3. The clubbing/going out late at night issue.

Somehow a lot of girlfriends always seem to have a problem with this. I'm not going to say more, because I think this issue can never be solved, like global warming, even if you pretend that everything's fine. Only three solutions to this: a) the girl completely makes peace with this issue (meaning she completely shuts up about it) b) the boyfriend stops clubbing c) yeah sorry it's just not going to work out. (It is assumed the girl won't dump the guy because if she is so controlling over him in the first place it's because she doesn't want to lose him.)

4. "CAN YOU PLEASE STOP SHOUTING?!" "I'M NOT SHOUTING, YOU ARE!"

Oh yes the whole I'm-not-doing-it-you-are thing, when in actuality both of them are. And it's so stupid because whenever they complain to the outside world it's so obvious to US that they are both doing it, but they can't see it themselves.

Solution to this is to actually DO what you the other partner is accusing you of, let's just say he said you are making a big fuss out of something ... try actually making a big fuss and you'll see it's not so unfamiliar after all.

5. Who is this girl?! (ie What is her social security number tell me so I can assassinate her)

Back to my number three tip. If you're constantly worried about some girl, then you're either insecure and not confident with yourself, or you KNOW your boyfriend can't be trusted. If you think I'm wrong, and you are secure, and you know your boyfriend can be trusted ... then why the heck are you worrying about another girl in the first place?!

There will always be someone the girlfriend will get particularly sensitive about (ie want to kill). Again, employ the clubbing tactic. a) she makes peace, shuts up about it b) he stops talking to girl in matter c) not gonna work, sorry. I know I'm being so harsh but it's true! You know this situation will never be solved otherwise! Some things cannot be talked out or compromised. Because if you think about it, why is she making a fuss in the first place? After you've talked it out with her, what would you have changed? Nothing. If you've done nothing, yet she already feels insecure, what makes you think a "talk" would make her less insecure? Do you see my point?

And girls, food for thought here, if you suspect your boyfriend of being too close with another girl, ask yourself, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? What CAN you do about it? Talk to him about it, which will definitely lead to a quarrel because he'll insist he's not doing anything and they're just friends and can you stop being so sensitive ... then you'll start yelling back and throwing chairs/words and all that kerfuffle (isn't this an awesome word)? After all, you're not going to DUMP him right? So basically all you can do is ... argue. Without anything actually getting achieved.

6. And all the other petty little things.

For the life of me I really don't know why girls can spend hours or even days arguing about something small like ... why didn't you text me when you came home at 5am that time. Well dude it's 5am don't you think ANY SANE HUMAN BEING would want a rest at that time? When you make it an obligation for someone to do things a normal caring boyfriend should do, it'll backfire. The moment he finds it a pain to do something he should be doing as a boyfriend ... congrats you just wrecked a potentially awesome boyfriend.

I mean, I used to be like that. I would pick fights over the smallest thing like my boyfriend not voicing out his opinion on the shoe color when we're shopping. It'll blow up into a "you don't care about me" fight ... and I tried to think of my reasons behind it. I'd try to remember why I would insist on blowing up small things when I realized that I was just looking for a fight. It was just fun in a way that even I wasn't really conscious of, to piss my boyfriend off and watch him give in. To just pick fights for the sake of it. To just get mad.

But back then there was no one to conk me over the head with a toaster or so to wake me up, and my boyfriend just kept pandering to my pettiness, so I just never really learned my lesson. So now I wield the toaster in my hands, hoping to wake all you girls up, so you will not make the same mistake I did. Omg next lesson I'm going to teach you all to not hold on for the wrong reasons ... second biggest mistake in a relationship/post-relationship. I have my toaster at ready.

See things can be so much easier! Why do we insist on blowing it up when there are other things worth blowing?!?! (I just made a crude joke.) (Please still love me.)

Okay that's all I can think of for now. It's all these little things that get blown out of proportion (don't make me say my blowing joke again). If that's what a relationship is, dealing with each other's petty requests and temper and taking forever to talk things out to make things work in a relationship ... then I'm for one glad that I won't find myself in one for a really long time.