For all the times you've looked back on your past and cringed.

Today I just felt like writing about the evolution of my social life (read: guys). As I look back on my life, I notice how much I've changed as a person ... and how much my social life is changing. Also, more importantly (this is a meant as a joke btw), how much the kind of guys I like are changing.

It's true that there are some things you will never realize when you're young. Like adults would always tell us, things will get better as you get older, and it does, but until then ...

So let's start at the beginning of time ... in Form 1. Being in school and stuff, I think I basically fell for everyone and anyone that I found good-looking. Which was ... everyone and anyone. It could have been the "coolest" guy in school, or the older ones because that's "cooler" or really just some plain guy that I found cute. I started with one of the "cooler" guy in school ... HAHA oh man I wanna laugh everytime I use that word. They were the rich badass kids, who don't have an aim in life or plans for college, who played around with girls and think they're the best-looking guys in the world ... and now when you look at them they're just BUMS because they're still living the same life, whereas the nice geeky guys are in college attracting girls who like nice geeky guys ... which is every girl deep inside, really.

But anyway, I liked a badass before, I liked the nice quiet guy, I liked the popular (but short) guy and entered into a four year relationship with an average guy, whom I thought was funny. They were also all Chinese, being in a local school of course. (Don't call me racist, but I really think race/nationality/culture is an issue to be addressed here.)

Sometimes I fell hard, sometimes it was only a two weeks thing. I know it's hard to believe (HAHA), but not all of them liked me back. I liked the popular (but short) guy for years ... and he never reciprocated. So it was just the teenage May Zhee, getting excited whenever he talked to me, whenever he walked by, how hot he looked in black, gushing to her friends about him while he barely gave me any attention ... and now I'm meeting guys x10 hotter than he is. Okay digression to show current life and window to the past, but back to my point. (PS - looking back now those guys weren't even anywhere near hot ... ok-looking and not ugly, maybe. But not the God-like status I bestow them of.)

So I fell for (and dated) guys who were older than me by three years, which meant all of them were pretty much friends, yeah. I forgot if I realized how bad it looked back then, but I definitely do now.

Then of course, came Wee Lim, the guy whom I fell for ... and when I ask myself why today, I can only say it's probably because he was a guy that, well, liked me. There were other "admirers" of mine that I never dated ... but I guess Wee Lim was fresh, different, older, slightly popular ... and he was the president of the biggest club in our school. I continued liking him just because he reciprocated. I liked him because he would call me. I liked him because he came to my class to see me. A lot of girls fall into this trap where they date any guy who likes them ... and I guess that was me then.

But anyway, so my social life came to a standstill then ... and after two years or so I was already craving for what the single life could offer me. I'd watch hot guys and the most I could do was go omg he's so hot shit I have a boyfriend.

I also got to know more people outside my usual circle, guys from other countries, guys with professions, I started to question myself about my feelings, what I looked for in a guy ... and even then I already got the idea that there was no such thing as love. Yes, while I was attached. I believed in liking guys for their money and fame ... because I thought material was at least more real than love, something you can actually hold and touch and like. I'd rather be with a guy who will buy me pretty things, because at least I got something out of it, rather than someone who "loves me" because I knew that didn't exist.

So for a while that was my stand on love. After I broke up with Wee Lim, and I started leading the single life to its fullest, that perception changed. I started going out more, mingling more, I met a lot more guys, new guys, hot guys, white guys, mixed guys, a different breed of Asian guys ... just very different guys than I would have four years ago. And yes, quite frankly, they were all hot. These guys were WANTED by girls, and that made them arrogant, confident and downright players. They were badasses, but they weren't the ones in high school. They were badasses with an architecture degree, a national athlete or studying in the best universities in the world.

(Btw you do know whenever I say meet ... I mean ... something else right. I just wanted to make it sound decent ... for now.)

So then I was falling for these guys. Guys I had distant mutual friends with, guys I met in clubs/parties/anywhere, French guys, American guys, the mixed guy that all girls secretly gush about in their Facebook walls, the fully Asian guy that looks mixed, the company CEO, the guy who was in the military once, the footballer ... guys whom I wanted just because everyone wanted them.

They were suave, smooth, they knew what they were doing, they picked up girls in a second, and for some reason they all had good bodies (because all of them played at least one sport, if not ten) and they knew when their time was up. (Some odd ones didn't, but my cold treatment fixed that.)

And I didn't mind all the other downsides that came with it, because if it was just a fling, it didn't matter. I didn't take into account personality at all, for one, because the way I see it, I'm not going to marry him so why not? I was his fling, he was mine ... it was a win-win situation. As long as he didn't have bad hygiene and/or was socially awkward, or like ... wore his shoes on his head or something.

So that shifted my perception a bit. I ditched the "money and fame" concept ... still keeping a bit of it ... but I then maintained the view that if a guy is hot, I would have no problems liking him.

Alas, that was as true as that giant woman in the black shoe. (Sorry random attempt to rhyme)

After weaving in and out of the hot guys in my life, I realize that except for physical attraction, there was really nothing else. I thought it would be that physical attraction that would keep me, but it only lasted for two weeks at most.

I realize that ever since Ed, and this one guy after him (sort of, slightly), I have never really truly fallen for anyone. And that was pretty ... sad. We're talking about a whole year ago.

So I considered something that has always been at the bottom of my checklist: personality. (Like love, I didn't believe this existed. Much less in hot guys who have the "right" to be assholes.) But then again, not each and every one of the hot guy had a horrible personality. Some were really interesting and nice guys, but I just didn't like them.

So what was it about one guy that sets him apart from the other? What makes us like this guy, and not the other? If it's not money, power, fame, looks or personality, what is it? I guess I liked Ed then because he was funny, he made me laugh, we got along well, he treated me right ... and in his case, his unique personality played a part. But who is to say there are no Eds out there? Who is to say I've never run into an Ed or a potential Ed, but still did not fall for him?

What is it about the one guy you like that separates him from all the rest? That makes your heart want him (omg I can't believe I'm saying this)?

And you know what? I fucking miss that feeling. Of having someone to smile at when you see his texts, feeling excited when he's talking to you ... these are such elementary feelings for a crush but believe it or not, I don't have that anymore. And it's really sad. The fact that I don't have feelings now.

People always tell me it's because I'm looking in the wrong places, that I am the one seeking out these players and one-timers, and that guys can sense girls who want these things so they behave accordingly. I know I sound like I'm complaining about not having feelings and stuff, but this is actually the life I want. And these guys all want what I want, so we have mutual needs.

If I could summarize it in an equation, this would be it:

Single life > feelings

But that doesn't mean I don't miss having feelings. It's like what Putin said about Soviet Union. "Those who don't miss it don't have a heart, those who want it back don't have a brain." That sums it up PERFECTLY.

I know I'll probably find "Mr Right" or "The One" someday, but at the same time I don't want to right now. It'll be the right guy, but the wrong time. If I meet the right guy now, I'm going to have to give him up. It really scares me ... hence I go on looking in the circle of hot assholes.

Of course I admit I want to be knocked head over heels by someone ... and not just for two days. Of course I want to have feelings for a guy for more than a week ... of course I sometimes wish I walked into a club with one guy and left with the same guy, but my preference for the single life overpowers this.

So right now, I'm just at this point in my life where I'm trying to figure out, how is it that there can be a guy with good looks, best personality, money and fame ... and I still wouldn't have feelings for him? Why do I feel something for this random Portuguese guy whom I chatted with for hours on Chat Roulette? (Btw I have a theory that I am destined to have my heart broken by Portuguese guys. It has already happened twice. Three, if you count Ronaldo for not asking me to be his girlfriend.)

Is it just random that you would fall for one guy, and not the other? Or is it really personality? Or do you guys just have to have a connection? How do you establish that connection anyway?

I don't know. And it sucks to think about it sometimes because I don't even know what I want to begin with. We always want what we can't get (story for another day) ... and as a woman, I naturally like to complicate things by overthinking them, hence you get this blog post.

"The thing about love, is I never saw it coming"

Marie Digby, Say it Again