Urgh.

So is this how it feels like? To want to just put your fist down your throat, grab your intestines and pull them all out and hurl them all over the floor, so you'd feel less disgusted with yourself than you already are?

I find myself here, against everything I believe in. That mopey and pathetic individual, pacing and wondering what could have been.

Enough vague talk. Let's delve right into the gory details.

For some reason, unknown to me and my good judgment, I recently started caring. It started with a little more texts, meaning communication, and a little more phone calls, so more talking - even worse. Communication is the key ... to ruining everything good in man-woman relationship. I am more convinced of it now than ever. With more talking comes the "knowing each other well" part, then comes the "hey he's really not that bad" part, then comes the "I really like his company", and next thing you know you find yourself not wanting to hang up at 3 in the morning and everything you've built your life on is ruined.

Dramatic, but true. With communication comes the understanding that maybe you guys could be meant for each other - which in my world means you're pretty much screwed.

And then slowly the closeness creeps in, and you find yourself thinking about the jokes he made over dinner on your way home, and the times you spent together ... of course these are just the good stuff (well in your world), while for me, it also means you're pretty much screwed.

Now here comes the horrible parts: the wondering, the choices, the insecurity, the fear, the waiting, and waiting, and more waiting.

This is when a 20 minute wait for a text message reply becomes not okay, when you start noticing all the little things and when little things cease to be little things. Before he used to be one of the conversations you have, now he IS the conversation, and you become paranoid if you're his as well. When before you can joke about him meeting other girls but now it becomes painfully impossible to do. When things just start to matter more. When what he thinks about you, when how he feels about you ... become literally all you care about. When you start to expect things, and when they don't happen, you're left sitting alone watching the crowd pass by. When you start to hope (and remember what I've said about this before - don't ever put hope in men. Ever. It's when you put hope that you get crushed), and when you start to look for something out of nothing.

And then the worst part of all kicks in: when you start to fear losing him.

That's the most irrational part of it all. Girls everywhere have done everything they can to stop this from happening, and to stop themselves from feeling insecure, or some just go into shutdown mode and dump the guy before he dumps her. You start to think things, that you would never have when you first met the guy, you start to notice things, you start to talk yourself into thinking he'll leave you soon, for various reasons.

Well FUCK hope, FUCK men, and FUCK feelings. I've gotten a tiny glimpse into your side of the world and I prefer mine, so much more.

Fuck all these uncertainties and fear about ONE guy, when you can be feeling confident and loved with many. I don't need that one guy, and all the complications that come with it. The world of relationships, ironically, is one filled with lies, deception, things done in self-interest, manipulation and more lies to complement all those. How can you ever be sure if a guy is telling the truth? You cannot. And so if he's not, what do you do to stop yourself from caring?

I used to have all these predisposed conditions about how to behave around my boyfriend, should I have one. Like if he lies, or goes out too often, or is getting close to another girl, or takes longer to reply, I wouldn't give a shit because men will be men. You can't change them. They're all assholes, especially if you like the good-looking ones, and I do.

But I forgot that the underlying equation for the above is if I don't actually like the guy very much in the first place (what I'm doing dating him then ... I don't know. I'm impulsive like that don't be surprised). What if I happen to like that guy very much ... would I then do it for his sake to keep him happy or would I say something against it and cause a fight? Knowing me I somehow believe I'll choose the former. (There's only so much "liking" I can do for a guy. I'm too liberal myself to turn into a possessive, controlling bitch. I would rather die than fight with my boyfriend about the length of time he takes to reply my SMS or goes out with his friends.)

If all this is how it feels like to have feelings, I rather not. All that uncertainty, fear and the occasional delight ... how can anyone not be exhausted?! Who actually enjoys this?? I know I don't. I want something stable in my life, and while other people find it in loving relationships, I find it in my single, emotion-less life. Ironic much.

But anyway, the point of this is ... FUCK feelings. Yeah well done you managed to arouse some semblance of feelings in me for a short period of time, but you will not control me! You can't break my heart ... when I didn't have one in the first place. What you did that messed with me for a while was make me think I have a heart, and then proceed to smash this illusionary heart into pieces.

So you can take all these feelings back, and while you're at it you can take all your Mediterranean SHIT back with you too. Goodbye.