I want to come home.

I have no intention of staying in America after my studies. But I think in my dad's mind I'm already there with a husband, two kids and a dog, on my way to obtaining a citizenship, like all those Mexican immigrants I see on TV shows.

He has asked me countless times if I want to stay in America, and I've always said no. Sometimes it was "No Dad, I like Malaysia. I'll come back." or "No Dad, this is my home. I'm coming back." or sometimes just, "No. Yeuck." (I don't really know what the last one means as well, but I had to try something new.)

But it's true. I know America's great, and Malaysia isn't, and pretty much living anywhere else on earth would be better, but it's too late. I have some home-based ambitions already (damn those ambitions, they ruin everything) and if I don't come back, it's just going to feel like unfinished business.

I know our country has flaws, it's basically an island of backwardness in a sea of progress, but that's even more the reason to come back and do something. Or at least try. (Once I saw Dr. Mahatir in KLCC and I wanted to approach him for a photo, but my friend stopped me, saying his bodyguards won't let me, and then we left. I was so fucking pissed because he didn't even bother trying. I wanted to at least try and approach one of my favorite Prime Ministers and get rejected by the bodyguards themselves, not by my friend's stupid assumption. I don't know the point of this long-winding story but basically from that day onwards I vowed to always try.)

I know New York will be great, and New York City will single-handed kill my ambitions (probably conceived while I was shitting too) with its artistic energy and pleasing power. And when I think of Malaysia from my college dorm I'll think of our public transport, police force and sports achievement - not fondly like a Maxis ad, but like a really bad movie.

I know all that. I'm not blind to our flaws. If countries were movies I swear our main actors are Keanu Reeves and Keanu Reeves. The same fucking thing over and over again.

"Watching Keanu Reeves act is like watching a tree grow." - My English teacher.

Replace "Watching Keanu Reeves act" with "Watching Malaysia advance intellectually" and you get the idea.

I don't know why this turned out to be a bashing Malaysia post but okay.

My point is, I love KL. (No that wasn't my point but I lost track of what I was blogging about so that's my point.) Strangely the more time I spend overseas, the more love I feel for my country. Not in a omg-I-love-the-retarded-public-transport-here way, but in a "Wow I really miss home" way. This is KL, my home, as crappy as it is. Everytime someone asks me why I want to come back, I just go, "Well, it's home." and I can see their faces soften up a little. (And then I launch into a whole speech about my unfinished business here and they regret asking.)

If that's the only thing that binds me to my country, then so be it. The biggest upset I have with Malaysia is not the physical things I've mentioned, but more of the mindset of the nation. I long for a nation that can think on its own, have the guts to speak their mind and likewise accept differing views and develop a passion for something, just anything in their life.

Now I'm rambling and you regret reading. I still have this one point about the Malaysian education .............

Sure, I'd love to live in NYC among the art, culture and dynamics of a city like that, but you know what'd be more amazing? Bringing that dynamics back to your own country, and rebuilding it in your own image. And KL is not a completely gone case, it has the potential and that is slowly being brought out.

So yes, I want to come back. I want to come home. At the present moment, that's how I feel. Let's hope that doesn't change after four years.