Seven perfect birthday presents for me.

Because birthdays are that one time of the year when you can take gifts without feeling guilty, so here is my list.

Three years ago, this list would have seemed very different. I would have asked for clothes, make-up, jewelry ... all that. Two years ago, this list would have been non-existent because I was turning 18, crying in my room on my birthday, not wanting to come out and face the world a year older. I tried to hide my birthday, but some idiot went HAPPY BIRTHDAY on Facebook and ruined it all. Those same idiots (my best friends) came over with a USA-themed birthday cake, not willing to let me celebrate my 18th birthday with nothing, and that was my celebration. A year ago, I think all I wanted for birthday was this guy in Portugal. Stupid fool. (Me, not him.)

So this year, I'm turning the big ... two-oh.

Are you sure I can't just stay in my room and cry again?

Okay whatever. Where was I. Big two-oh. Birthdays being the time to ask for gifts. Right.

The best way to buy presents for a person like me is to know my interests. I have a long list, but they basically include: writing, reading, men, alcohol at the right time, (I must point out now that this is not in any particular order) talking crap, thinking crap, blogging sometimes, history (particularly Russian, communism, war, inspiring historical figures, American presidents - err not necessarily the same thing as inspiring historical figures), watching football, my favorite countries are Spain, Russia and Vietnam, open to arts and music if they're good, my favorite authors are Vladimir Nabokov, Oscar Wilde and Albert Camus and ... buying crap I don't need (people call this shopping) also at the right time. Not an encompassing list, but close.

So, according to that, it should be easy to buy me a gift, right? Right. Here's the list:

7. A military uniform.

This one's of a volunteer of the Blue Division of Spain.

Reason: Military uniforms contain a lot of history of the country in those badges, stars and sleeves. Perfect for a history buff like me! And imagine how nice that would look displayed. AND I get to wear it for Halloween! Serves meaningful, aesthetic AND handy purposes, all at the same time! I swear to dress up as a soldier for Halloween this year. It is my duty to.

Bonus points to whoever gets me this.

Wait shouldn't I be asking for men in army uniform...

6. Books.

Reason: I can never have enough to read, which is bad because books are expensive.

Let's be honest, unless I can somehow paste books all over myself and pass it as fashion, books are pretty useless aesthetically. As a woman, I'm inclined to only spend money on things with an aesthetic purpose. What's more I can easily borrow a book and achieve the same understanding of life and whatnot once I've finished reading them.

I read pretty much all good books, and find some way to appreciate them. The next few on my list are Life of Pi, Heart of Darkness, Dr Fautus, On the Road, Fight Club, and I want to finish reading Michel Tournier's The Ogre and Steinbeck's Grapes of Wrath which I borrowed but had to return.

This is to what extent I'm a nerd btw. Do not be fooled by the partying and drunk nights. You know how people play games on Facebook, like Farmville, Restaurant City and all that? I play one too. It's called Visual Bookshelf.

My fun meter just went below negative.

5. A big dog

Reason: I don't like the small ones, I prefer big ones. I am aware I cannot carry them in a handbag, but it's okay. Seems like a pretty normal present, eh? But there's a catch:

It won't be my dog.

With me leaving for the States in a month and my mom having an aversion to dogs, I can't possibly have one now. But I want one I can play with and look after and take for a walk, just not after one month. And even after I get my own place, I don't know. My very pressing question is: when I bring men home, what do I do with my dog?!?!?!

4. Alcohol from duty-free areas.

Reason: Smirnoff for RM35, Malibu for RM45, Vodka for RM40++ what more can you ask for. I had my first taste of duty free, now there's no return. And because pre-drinks before a night out are the best!

Reason #2: Had to salvage my fun meter a bit.

3. AK-47. (And alternatives)

Reason: Erm ... I don't know my excuse for this. But it's a piece of Russian history, and I want that in my house!

Okay there are alternatives to a classic Russian artillery, and this is going to be easier to get (or not):

RED STAR-SHAPED HAMMER AND SICKLE PILLOWS!!!!!!!!!!!!! IS THIS NOT THE COOLEST THING IN THE WORLD!!!!!! (Pics taken at the USSR restaurant in Langkawi, which I'll blog about soon!)

Again perfect deco for a house! Those pillows will fit with my sofa!!! Boy my house is going to look so outlandish.

Where do you buy things like that?? I also want those little Lenin head dolls! How's my fun meter doing right now.

2. A travel ticket to any of my favorite countries I've mentioned (Spain, Russia and Vietnam), I would also like to see Germany, Cuba and North Korea. I would also like to come back in one piece and not be thrown into jail under accusation of spreading communism into my country. I am also not Chin Peng's granddaughter. (My History teacher warned me people might think I am.) (I hope he was joking.)

PS - And a step-by-step manual on how to obtain visas for those countries please. -_- Such a pain.

Reason: Travel is a good teacher! It'll be an experience of a lifetime.

1. And now, for the most awesome birthday present ever, which will beat any other birthday present, the one that I want the most. Ever. In the world.

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It'll bring me happiness more than any man can.

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I want

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A tank.

I am not joking. Do you need a license for one?

Reason: Dude, it's a tank. What other reason do you need.

I want that baby, in my backyard.

I WANT A TANK SO BAD.

So yeah, these are the seven perfect birthday presents for me. Seven, because I'm in football mood and 7 is legend in football. Perfect, because they fulfill my intellectual, aesthetic and alcoholic needs. Birthday presents, because they give me an excuse to talk about the things I like.

Which is really all this post is about. Don't go hunting down a military uniform for me. If you're ugly, I still won't sleep with you.