The emotional feedback mechanism for humans is a strange thing indeed.

Most people follow the common pathway. Girl meets guy, girl likes guy, girl dates guy, girl shuts off desire for all the other guys, if girl is not some naive little fairy whose religion is Sex After Marriage (but now recently pronounced "Agnostic" ... sure) then lust follows, girl sticks with guy, relationship reaches carrying capacity, more fights than make-ups, more moving out than moving in, and the population of the relationship dwindles to a zero ... girl heals, girl gets over guy, girl fails, girl heals again, and girl tries again.

Simple enough. The break-up and the hope of finding a better guy spurs the girl on to keep looking for Mr Right, to keep trying, to keep wanting. Hope, looped back into the system to control the whole body of emotions within itself.

Then, of course, there is the more evolved feedback mechanism of today's time, rendering primitive emotions useless in the obtainment of pleasure.

Girl lusts for guy, girl meets guy, girl sleeps with guy, girl does shame walk next morning, girl ends all contact with guy, girl starts cycle again. With other guys.

If it's hope that controls the former system, what controls this, you ask? Pure lust. Lust for more, lust for diversity, lust for beautiful things.

But enough on that. I'm not here to talk about that today. I've talked so much about that it's enough to make me feel like I'm almost bragging (people have to realize everything in my blog is pretty much rubbish ... don't delude yourself into thinking any of these mean anything, because they don't. I'm just blogging pure, unadulterated rubbish. It's food for my ego, yes my ego feeds on rubbish, but anyway back to the topic at hand) ... so let's talk about something else today.

The slightly more complex stage of this evolved feedback mechanism: the "crush" stage. I remember tweet-flooding Twitter with my attempts to explain what a crush is to me, and why it's good for me.

This is where the emotional feedback mechanism becomes really strange. I defined a crush as something that is slightly above pure lust, but not strong enough to be considered feelings, hence avoiding attachment, jealousy and all the other mess that comes with feelings.

Which is why it's awesome because for an euphoric moment you feel like you're 15 again ... without actually being 15. You're not stupid, and you won't fall headlong for the guy and come out of the other side, hurt and bruised. You are able to hold back, enjoy the highs for what they are and leave when you have to.

Now here comes the beauty of this mechanism: the self-destructive factor.

Brooke and I were talking in the cab last night on the subject of feelings, and she expressed that she cannot wait for the day I actually fall proper for a guy, one that I could actually be happy with and start to ... DAAAYTE.

It's date. She said date. But with the eye bulge and the slow-mo facial expression to enunciate every syllable of its importance... it sounded like that.

I told her not to be silly, that she fully well knows that even if I do end up liking a guy very very much, there will be a series of steps after meant to completely obliterate any chances of us being together. She has seen it happen before, and it will happen again. I am, by nature, a self-destructive person.

And this is not a complaint.

The first step actually starts way before the system kicks in. Being attracted to people you shouldn't. Right feelings, wrong men. All the wrong men. Looks. Men with looks have choices, you don't want a man with choices. Timing. Men who have to go at some point in your life - the physical kind of departure for work, for travel, to go back to their home country, etc. Places. Well you're not meeting this guy in a bookstore ... are you?

And I can't help it. Women like me, we want men that are wanted, we want men who are interesting ... two very lethal factors. The other appeal of these men, though rarely admitted by anyone but me, is that these men will leave. They are capable of it. They have the skills, the looks and the confidence to. These are not men who hold on to nostalgia, who give up other girls just because he met this "smart, cute and funny girl" the other day.

No.

These are the ultimate men of men. They have no emotions, they're not capable of them.

And hell yes, they are attractive. But if you fall for these wrong men, God forbid girls, you better start building your defense. Now.

Second step: your treatment of the guy. Girls who want men to stay are very careful with them. They pace themselves, and rash actions are completely out of question. Show a man you can lose him, and you might very well do. (Logic also works the other way ... but nevermind about that.)

I am careless with my men. I don't see the point in effort with them.

The third and other steps that follow, well, you can see that if you fulfill the first and second steps, the rest will just derail the train on its own. Something is bound to happen, on your side if you're quick enough, but on his side if karma decides to be cruel. I know I make it sound like there's a set formula to send a guy running, but truth is there isn't. It just happens. You don't ask to be attracted to the wrong men, you just do. You don't plan to treat a guy carelessly, it's the only way you know how to treat a guy.

And it feeds back into the loop. Feelings self-destruct. System reboot. Start again.

When the only way you know how to love is to love destructively, what shot do you have at happiness?

The fleeting kind, the temporary highs from the one night you spend together, and then you take it out, before it takes out you.