No pain, no gain.

I'm trying to create emotional duress for myself because I am getting my arm pricked with a needle in three hours and if I do this good enough I will be SO distracted by the time the doctor takes my blood sample that I will feel no physical pain.

Muahahahahhahaha.

So. Let's recount all the things that are genuinely fucked up about your life, May Zhee. Let's see where do I even start...

You hate humanity. And you hate humanity even more in the morning when you have to share the bathroom with ten other college girls. In the morning you feel like stabbing everyone in your way, even if they're not in your way. All they have to do is to exist in the bathroom, in the morning, and you'll hate them.

You're a solitary person. You like doing things alone, and you're getting increasingly so as the days go on, and you favor success over everything else.

You hate being with people. You hate people. Unless you feel they're good enough for you. To you, everyone's an idiot. Humanity's an idiot. Human beings are stupid in general. That's their baseline quality. The way they fall prey to - GRIMACE- emotions, how vulnerable they are ... pathetic.

If you want to fall prey to something, fall prey to success. At least you would know you've achieved something. Or die trying...

Humans are inherently stupid, and you hate them all. Especially college girls. In the bathroom. At 9 in the morning. Fuck humans.

Now let's get into the nitty-gritty stuff.

You're pretty much a slut. By society's terms, and yours. You sleep with pretty much anything you find attractive. Your only standard is they have to be hot. And you do that because it's a defense mechanism. Because when people judge you, you judge them back. Because you know if given the chance they would do the same. And if they don't they're either ugly, or liars. And it gives you something to fall back on. They say I'm a slut well who cares I fucked someone hotter than they did. Well fuck you I fucked someone hotter than you did. Talk to me when you wake up in a house with four fucking gorgeous male models.

I care and don't care about judgments in that way. So in a way I still care.

Your only access to emotions, to affection, to be loved and cared for ... is sex. In that one night. That short session. That's what a relationship is to you. The thrusting and pressing and moaning and groaning. One night. That's all.

That's love to you.

And do you remember the taxi rides? Do you remember the taxi rides in the morning? When you feel that guilt taking over you, the feeling of depression sinking in, you feel shitty and helpless and awful ... that is your life in a nutshell, May Zhee. Your sad, pathetic life.

You like fucking and leaving because you feel like you're in control when you do it. You feel like you can easily access to that joyous channel of love - so to speak - and then ditch it the next day. You like knowing you're in control. You like doing what others can't do. One night. That's all.

Equally, when you fuck ... and you can't leave, you freak out. Because you feel like you're losing control of your emotions, and that you're weak. And that's just not acceptable.

Now, on to men. Yes, let's talk about your choice of men.

You like assholes. Plain and simple for you right there. You like assholes. Men who don't give a shit about you, men who will treat you like shit and men who can and will hurt you emotionally in the most brutal way possible.

Why?

Because first of all, well, that's attractive. It's manly. You can tell how good of a fuck someone is by how much they don't give a shit about girls. You just can. Tested and proven, girls. Tested and proven.

More importantly, it's because you're self-destructive. You choose assholes, because you know that in the eventuality that you do fall for them, the link will self-destruct. You know there will be no possibility of anything beyond what you have now (sex every fucking night) because he simply won't allow it. So if your stupid womanly brain messes you up, you still have the asshole to count on. He won't move beyond what you have.

Tested. and. proven.

Three times in two years.

So that's why.

It's as fucked up as saying I stay with an abusive husband because I like to be beaten.

In the eventuality that I fuck up and don't fall for an asshole (some men can be quite deceiving...), I can always fall back on myself. I know I'll fuck things up somehow along the way. Actually even before I start moving along the way.

There's a formula to it - it's quite beautiful. First I go, hey I like you and I can't sleep with you anymore. Next, I sleep with him some more. Next, oh wait no I can't sleep with you anymore. Again. And ... I sleep with him some more. Somewhere along the way he'll sleep with a friend of mine, or fly off on a plane, or fuck up himself. Still not working? Repeat steps one to four.

Ah fuck. I feel so much better after letting all this out. Fail.

Urgh.

I know. I'll listen to some Taylor Swift. She always seems to be able to get some silly girls somewhere really sad about her life when she doesn't have to be.

In the middle of the night,
When I'm in this dream,
It's like a million little stars spelling out your name,
You gotta come on, come on
Say that we'll be together.

This is the stuff TEARS are made of.

Like .. stars in the sky ... untouchable ... something ... diamond sky ...

I hate this.

Just think: the taxi rides in the morning, the fact that you're vulnerable too, don't you hate being vulnerable, yes you do, oh my God work goddamnit WORK ... (*@#$*&(@#$*

The fact that you know if he left, you'd die inside.

Okay I'm ready. Let's do this.