What you're reading right now is really a whole blog post, deleted.

I can't write. Not right now. I really can't. I hope you don't start construing this as me "writing" because I'm just not capable of it anymore. Not right now. I'm just gonna go ahead and tell you how I feel and why I'm feeling what I'm feeling.

I feel like shit. In the deleted blog post, I used the phrase "a hermit that has mishandled its shell and broken it somehow". That still holds true. But I'm going to have to explain it now, and not leave it hanging, since I am no longer "writing".

When I came to Rochester, I had an idea of what I was going to be here. Half of that was fulfilled, the other half not. 

The fulfilled part was, I developed goals, I am working towards them, I am keeping myself busy, I am maximizing my time and I am being successful. I am on top of my game, as I was back home. I've successfully projected that part of me onto my life in America.

The unfulfilled part is, I no longer party. I no longer drink. I no longer sleep around.

In fact, quite the opposite, I have fallen for someone, and paying the price for it too.

While I have also managed to find people I expected to find - smart people with goals in life - as well as the stimulating environment I had expected an American college to be like, I am also extremely infuriated by the ignorance of the smart, average Americans, who think Obama and Bush are the same thing.

So not only have I failed to project social and sexual niches onto my American life, I am also being pushed back on the frontline here. I feel like the old me is being erased, bit by bit, and it's eating into my successes, effectively reversing all the happiness I thought I had felt here, hence I feel like shit now.

My main source of frustration is that I can't remember who I was before I came here. I could feel myself dying inside, slowly, as my days in Rochester went on and now I have to face it all at once.

I am looking at things and feelings that old me would have done and experienced, but they're not coming to me anymore.

How could I have changed that much, and will there be a way to restore myself? Or have I been damaged way beyond repair? Why are beliefs made in the past so fleeting and obsolete?

Like a true man, America stood me up. Today, right now, in this moment, 9.27pm ... he stood me up. He made promises he couldn't keep, and it really hurts. Because I had fallen for him. A good couple of years ago, I had fallen for a country by the name of America, and I had formed all these expectations about him, listed all the good things about him, planned out things I was going to do with him, convinced myself that everyone was wrong, and that I would soon be going to a better place. But he never could live up to it. For three months I've been pining and hoping. I felt like he didn't even try. 

I should have known from the start that he couldn't reciprocate my feelings, that he just didn't have the mechanism in place to reciprocate, and I felt like somehow he had tried to tell me, but that wouldn't have stopped me.

I was hooked, and I was only going to fall deeper. 

(A woman's life ends the day she falls for someone. She knows from that day on, she'll have to start the process of picking herself up, and women are just not very good at that.)

All the ideals about him that I formed in my head, all the things I thought he would be, all the things he would give me...

He tried to tell me, but I was hooked.

I was getting weaker by the day, having my insides eaten, erased, destroyed ... the more I believed in him, the more hope I put on his broad shoulders that I had found so attractive, I didn't notice him turning away from me. I was dying inside, as one by one of our make-believe promises started falling apart, and only one of us felt hurt by it.

Like a true man, he stood me up. Like a true woman, I died inside.

If you want the truth, here's the truth. It'll make my blog feel like a large, depressing clump of shit, but I don't care right now. These are the list of words to describe how I'm feeling right now:

Empty, blank, down, depressed, scared, vulnerable, numb, empty, empty, upset, numb, confused, hurt, angry, blank, blank, hollow empty blank blank ...

And so on.

Today I stand as a feeble woman, without a past and no sight of a future, except for the fact that I have lived, and will live.

He had ruined me. But it was only because I had attached myself so closely to him that he had something to destroy.

In seven hours, I am going away. I am leaving my birthplace, to try and cut away the umbilical cord that has led to my abuse, and I want to fix myself. I want to live again, breathe on my accord, not for him or his ideals. I want to live in my own right, not with my fantasies of being with him hanging over my head.

It's time I stop falling for his broad shoulders, and take apart my dreams for the little frauds that they are. 

In seven hours, I am going away.