What am I doing?!

No, like, really. Sometimes if you just stop to wonder what the fuck you're doing with your life you can feel pretty shitty. Even when things are good.

I just ... I don't know what I'm doing. I don't. I'm on this upward path, getting better at the things I do, and really enjoying the things I'm doing, except at the same time I can just feel this large gaping hole staring at me. Everyday. Every moment. And I don't have time to stop and stare back at the gaping hole and try to figure out what it all means, because I literally don't have the time to. I don't have the time to write this blog post right now. I should be going to bed, so I can get a lot of hours of sleep, because tomorrow I won't, because I just have these things to do. Always. Constantly.

Yet at the same time, I'm missing out on so much. And I don't think I'm okay with that. I don't think I'm okay with missing out on going to events on campus, spending time with my friends, whom I barely see as time just flies past us, and just plain going to the mall, or Walmart, just to get things I need. Things. I. Need. I don't even have time to buy the things I need.

I don't have time to get coffee, because in my free time slot today I had to conduct interviews for my articles. Interviews after interviews. Questions after questions. Worries after worries. I don't even have time to get coffee, my lifeblood, the thing that keeps me going. I felt like I was going to die in class, but I just had to keep going.

And now, the clock is still ticking, and it's ticking against me. I don't have time to be sitting here, I have to go get some sleep. And not because I like sleep, or that humans need sleep in general, or that sleep is a pleasant past time to me. I'm getting sleep because tomorrow I won't, because I'll be working on four newspaper pages, all the way till 9 in the morning, because I wanted to. I felt compelled to. I needed to.

My interests and passions and enthusiasm - they're getting ahead of me. They're all out of control, and I can't hold them back. I want to do everything, I like everything, I think I can do everything.

I want to freaking triple major. I want to study abroad. I want to contribute to the things around me, and at the same time, I want to feed my own mind. I want both, but I don't know if I can have both.

Time is ticking.

I'm worn out. But I don't even feel it. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I came here, having a hundred things I wanted to do. Now I'm doing a thousand, and not even half of the things I planned are in there. I wanted to teach, I wanted to start something new, I wanted to know and understand what was going on around me.

Now I learn what is going on around me from stupid. fucking. philosophers. I'm so sick of it. I want to bring things down to my level, to me, just for a while, so I can go out there and fight the big fight again, but I can't. I can't leave. You don't understand. I just can't.

I'm not exactly faring the best in the emotions department as well. I don't know if I'm happy, or just not unhappy. Every step I take, I feel scared. It's not even a step forward. I'm just marching on the spot. But it scares me. I can only shrug the fear off everytime it comes on to me. I don't think, I don't want to overthink, I want to take the situation just as it is. I don't want to know motives, intentions, sincerity ... because they scare me. Because I would want to know more. Because I would think about it.

I can't write this any longer. I need to go to bed. So the day can start, and I can keep going.