Highway to hell.

I totally should be writing a paper on how writers and artistic freedom is affirmed in the face of an oppressive regime, but I digress. I want to talk about this conversation I just had that both infuriated and delighted me. Gotta love it when something arouses feelings on both ends at the same time. The line between pain and pleasure is a fine one, and I enjoy walking that line.

Anyway, so this person I was talking to goes on and on about my immaturity, both in person and in my modes of thinking. If he read this now he'd totally disagree with that sentence, and say that I am completely telling it wrong. To which I will say, suck it.

I am writing about this now because I feel like this is a problem I've encountered my whole life, except now people have more legit reasons than "MZ u r a slut" and their motivation for bringing me down is not just jealousy and spite. Now I am encountering people who genuinely have a problem with what I say, the way I think and the way I behave, because I don't conform to what is "mature" or "acceptable" or "normal" by their standards ... which is really to be depressing and boring. Funny thing is when I become depressing and boring they all think I'm trying to commit suicide. Silly Americans.

Let me start with the infuriating part first. I was miffed, of course, because I don't believe this person - or anyone else who is trying to unload their bullshit on me, as a matter of fact - has known me well enough to make any sort of assessments of me. There's a difference between saying "she is a dumb bitch" and saying "she is a dumb bitch who has serious problems with her foundations of thinking and the way she behaves as a human being in society".

Because saying that just dismisses so much about me. Maybe, just maybe, if we had spent a little more time talking and getting to know each other, outside of the few barely lucid moments we have before and after sex, then maybe you'd know more about where I came from, how my society functioned, how that shaped who I was, how hard it was for me to finally find my calling in a society that cared so little, my thoughts on literature and history, social causes I feel passionate about and why. Then maybe you'd see that what you perceive as my "apathy" will not seem so useless after all, and you'll see I'm capable of doing good for this world, in my own way. Maybe, you would.

I know now I sound like I'm being horribly specific  to one person, but I have many others in mind as I write this post. I just haven't slept with any of them, so obviously they don't matter, ha. I can say with assurance that except for a handful, no one I have met in America thus far has spent enough time with me, or seen me in my element, to know even half of the person that I am. I had a friend - whom I have known the whole year long - tell me that he really only knew me a week ago when we sat down one dinner and talked about life. Not the stupid fucking debate community, or who won the fucking NDT, or how this argument clashes with the other argument, but life. You know what that means? Yeah.

But say these people claim that they do know enough about me to make such assessments, to pass such judgments, then sir, I give you my finger. Now comes the part that pleases me. For all people have to say about me, my maturity and way of life, I know that I've accomplished much more in my life than they have or ever will, just because of the sheer will and determination I know I'm capable of. These are the things that no one can take away from me. I know that I have at the age of 13 developed an interest in writing, and have stuck to it for eight years now. I know that at the age of 15, I had painstakingly written, edited, proofread and laid out a book, behind my parents' back, because I couldn't get their consent. I know I did it again at the age of 17. I know I've been on on national television and radio, interviewed by numerous publications, stood before crowds, and spoke about my passion for writing and where it all started. I know that by doing so I have inspired many to do the same. I know that people write to me, telling me they want to be like me (big mistake, fyi).

I know that I finally found sexual liberation after I ended my four-year relationship, and I can get any guy I want in my palm, just because I believe that I can. I know that I have never given a shit about what people think about me, and for that I am also truly and completely liberated as a person. I know that I have never repressed who I really was, or changed myself in any way when I meet new people, and for that I have found the greatest friends on earth who accept me for who I am (and absolutely hated my guts when they first met me, of course) while these people can continue to have phony friends whom they have to always censor themselves around. I know that there is nothing I love more in this world than to see me be myself and fuck everything up, while these people who see this as "immature" will never, ever know the feeling of being able to laugh at yourself whole-heartedly.

Because, really, chill the fuck out. It's not like I'm going to turn all Hitler and kill like six million Jews because I am so utterly liberated and enjoying my life. I'm just a person who remains happy in the face of a shitty society, because I know I'm too awesome not to. I'm sorry you don't feel that way about yourself, I really do.

I know that I will continue to do great things with my life, and I have ideas that I will bring to fruition, while all of you can just sit on your asses, philosophizing about life, and how to be normal, and how best to chastise those who are not.

Now isn't it sad that the person you think is "immature" has done so much more than you, and feels so much better about herself than you will ever be with yourself? Yeah. I know that for a fact, because everyone has a child in them or a crazy, nonsensical side to them, and they're not afraid to show it around me since I am infinitely worse and do not judge. They're not afraid to yell at the top of their lungs to me, or say fucked up things to me, or tell me their innermost desires, or break into a song when they feel like it. It is sad then, that I am the only one who will see that side to them, and they will forever have to keep it in check around people.

And all the above is only a small percentage of who I am, so I guess in a way I can't blame people for not seeing it all. Because it's just impossible. That's the ultimate problem with people, I suppose. You can never know someone in their entirety. And not everyone is as easy to read (or pretend to be. Yeah some of us actually don't like pretending). Some people have numerous and thick layers that you have to get pass before you get to know who a person really is, and not many people have the patience nor the desire to get there. So we're forced to stop at a point, and if you've arrived at that point by just sleeping with the person for six months with no real attempt to know the person well but choose to pass judgments on them anyway, then that is the point both parties will have to deal with.

But it's a sad, sad indicator of who a person is, really. I do it too, of course, where I am forced to decide if I like a person or not just by face value. But because I know the complexity in knowing a person like me, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. But it can only get you so far.

The good thing though, is when people actually get pass those layers. And it's not impossible. It doesn't even take long, really. I did it with someone in a day. A month's possible too. Sometimes it just takes that right moment, for you to see someone in their element, or a side of them that just makes or breaks their character. The good thing is when you get there, then you make friends for life. Friends who know your flaws, but know you're too good to not be in their lives.

But of course, what do I know. I'm just talking garbage here. I'm a stupid, immature teenager who doesn't know anything about life, despite the fact that I have probably met and interacted with people far more different and diverse than they have in their homogeneous society and the fact that I have done more things than these people have just because I'm willing to put myself out there.

Lesson of the day: if you wanna discredit me as a person, at least delve into my history, and learned where I came from, and what I've seen and done. Spend more time with me, and see what I like to do in my time, or at least wish I could do (but can never, because of my busy schedule). Or at least, tell me about yourself, so I can understand you more and where you came from too. Understanding is not just a one way thing. It takes two. Maybe if we could actually sit down for more than 15 minutes and not try to undress the other person (totally my fault, by the way) this wouldn't happen.

But well, what do I know. I'm juvenile anyway, and I have a 6-paged essay to write, but instead I sat down and wrote all my thoughts down. So I should go do that now. Good luck with your lives, peeps. Live and let live. If I die, please be sure to play ACDC's Highway to Hell in my funeral. Is that not normal? Well go fuck yourselves then.