I swear, it's like a recurring sickness. I am still not okay with this place. There are times when I feel okay, and then there are times when I feel so fucking blah, like now. But I've never felt great. I fucking hate this place, it's so God-awful, I want to leave and never come back.
I'm sick of having conversations for one. I'm sick of wanting to be wanted. This place is fucking cold and distant and unwelcoming, just like its people. I'm sick of reaching out into thin air, nothingness, because this is exactly what this place is. Nothing. A big pile of nothing.
You know what's your problem, America? You care too fucking much about how you look to other people. I can never be myself in a place like this.
I swear I can live anywhere in the world, except here.
Bloody. Perth. I can live in bloody Perth, and not here.
Send me to fucking Cuba, or North Korea. At least misery is justified there.
I have no connection or relation with anyone here. It's been a year. I've tried. In the past two, three weeks, I've been trying so hard. The door was slammed in my face a couple times, but I kept going, and I tried. For God's sake, it's my fucking last two weeks here. Possibly forever. Don't I deserve a chance? One last gratification? What changed? Why are things so different than before? What happened to my good mornings and hellos and byes? Why can't you man up and tell me what's really going on, instead of giving flimsy excuses and shit? Fuck you.
If I don't get out of this place, I'm going to go insane. No one here understands anything, or tries to. They live in their own stupid world, and they never get out. Nothing I have has meaning here.
I can't write here. I can't love. I can't do the things I love. I can't do anything. My hands are bound. It's a sadomasochist relationship, but my master is too shit to provide the aftercare.
This place is so confining and stifling. Yet I come back, again and again, I tell myself it'll be okay.
Well I'm sick of trying. It won't ever be okay. We're all just fucking lying to ourselves anyway.
10 comments:
sometimes the change might be within yourself, but you don't realize it because it happened the same time your external surroundings changed as well. then you go around thinking that it's the fault of your external surroundings when in fact the clash is internal and would have happened regardless of which country you are in.
you seriously don't want to live in Perth, it is as boring as bat #$!%
they say, when you're down at the bottom, what's good is that you can only go up. so i guess things are gonna get better for you. hopefully : )
That's exactly how I feel, only I've lived here my entire life ]: Better believe I can't wait to ditch this place! What year are you in at college?
-Coco<3
Desafortunadamente, ese es el precio que hay que pagar por vivir en el extranjero. He pasado por lo mismo. Pero estoy segura que al final esto te hara más fuerte y sabia.
Unfortunately, that's the price to pay for living abroad. I've been through the same. But i'm sure in the end this will make you stronger and wiser.
@Stephanie May I ask why you posted the same thing twice (once in spanish and once in english)? Does May Zhee even know spanish?
-Coco<3
May Zhee, I hope you'll be okay eventually. Do you think it's because that's how New Yorkers are? Maybe it'll be warmer in the South?
:(
That's exactly how I feel, except I'm in Perth. Ugh
I know you'll make it through. I know you will. I have faith.
Post a Comment