For now.

I really hate this dog-eat-dog world sometimes. This is your ambitious, overachieving Asian talking. I spent the end of my high school years doing all this thing so I can have the resume to get into top schools. And I thought that was the end of it, but apparently not. I'm still probably gonna have to do the same to get into grad school, and even if I decide to not go to grad school  - there's still no escaping this. I'm still gonna have to calculate every move I make in the limited time I have to build up a good resume for a job someday. And so on, and so on.

God, I hate it. I hate that word sometimes. Resume. I'm not even spelling it right because I can't be bothered with the accented 'e'.

But of course, with all things I have emotions for, there is a fine line between hate and love, so I guess I also love building resumes. Still not spelling it right.

All I'm doing this summer is traveling, and spending a month in Russia under my college's summer program, which probably weighs nothing in a resume, but I like it. And I hate that I'm already thinking what I need to do in the next two summers I have, like how everyone is doing an internship or research - just something - when all I really want is to spend my summer in Spain, brushing up on my Spanish again until I can have a full conversation with someone. I also wanna go to Peru. I wanna write. I wanna help people who wanna write.

I hate to think that I might have screwed up my chances of working in journalism or publishing because I quit my position as news editor in the school newspaper, and decided to devote my four years in college to debate, just because I fell in love with it, even though it has evidently nothing to do with writing. 

If life goes well, doing what you like should intersect with personal success. 

I know I'm a lucky bitch, who doesn't have to worry about getting a job instantly, because my parents will be able to support me. I know I have the luxury of freedom and time to do what I want - even if what I want doesn't necessarily earn me money. I know I should suffer like common people do, and try to get a job as fast as I can, so I can be sucked into the whole race to earn money and survive and not die out on the streets, cold and hungry.

Because that's just the way things are. That's just how things work. You can't do the things you love, because you need money to survive. And for most people, those two areas never cross paths. Interest and money.

Bah I'm gonna stop here because this post is turning out to be so cliched. Again can't be bothered with the accented 'e'. I just wanna be able to stop worrying about what I'm gonna do for the future, which school I'm going to get into, what title I'm going to get at my job, and what I have to do right now to get it. I don't wanna worry about all that. I just wanna do what I have to right now. For now.

Living in the moment is the biggest achievement that I can ever hope for. I am so far from it sometimes, it's not even funny. I feel it when I'm by myself and content, I feel it when I walk across the Brooklyn Bridge, I feel it when life gives me this great big hug, I feel it when I take the subway to a place I wanna go, but those moments come so far and few.

I guess I kinda feel it right now too, being in New York, up at 3 in the morning, not giving a shit about anything else. It's so liberating, and that's the best feeling in the world.