So I was asking a friend, how do I release things that are bottled up inside, and of course the answer hit me. So here I am. So let's be brutally honest. It's been a while since I've been brutally honest.
I want to cry. At every possible thing. Have you seen a narcissist cry? Yeah it's bad.
The distance is impinging on me. I can't do this. It's too hard. Especially given the nature of us. I was okay with the games and power play when we were physically near, but now it just seems a lot like nothing. Of course I don't mean all this. It's the distance talking. And maybe I just don't like it as much as you do. Everyday it kills me to know what we have is based on that. Because everyday I feel like I can't do it anymore. Of course I don't mean all this. It's the distance talking.
I am compensating for all the two months now that I have not brought up the distance. I thought if I didn't, it'd go by faster. If I didn't, it would make the problems not real. If we don't talk about it, how is it real?
But it's real as fuck. And it's affecting me. Us. Scratch that. It's affecting me. But I don't want to tell you of course. Because I don't want you to start being self-conscious of all the shit you say around me, because what we have is based on all the shit you say around me. Then perhaps what we have is not right then? No. It is the distance talking.
You're happy. I don't want to ruin that. If I tell you the truth, which I don't mean, it'll ruin the high you are on. What kind of a shitty ass move is that. Why tell the truth, that will become the untruth in 26 days, when I see you again, snuggle up in your arms and everything is fine again? Why tell you that I really don't want to hear anymore about how you want to throw me around and make me obey you, if I no longer hear about the caresses after?
Exactly. I don't.
Included in the things I don't have to tell you is how upset I feel when I see the things you want me to be and do, but I can't. And how insecure I am when I see others who can, and just how much I do not ever want to feel this way, or be put in this position, and how much I enjoy being single again.
You do enough. To balance out the shittiness you pre-empted in me, to try and make things seem better. You listen to my rants, you keep me in your life even though we're so far, you care, and I know. So maybe I'm just the bitch here. Which is why it's even more important to not tell you.
Urgh I hate how I now write with my audience in mind. Raw emotions are never what they are when watched. Maybe it's for the better.
I want to cry. At every possible thing. Have you seen a narcissist cry? Yeah it's bad.
The distance is impinging on me. I can't do this. It's too hard. Especially given the nature of us. I was okay with the games and power play when we were physically near, but now it just seems a lot like nothing. Of course I don't mean all this. It's the distance talking. And maybe I just don't like it as much as you do. Everyday it kills me to know what we have is based on that. Because everyday I feel like I can't do it anymore. Of course I don't mean all this. It's the distance talking.
I am compensating for all the two months now that I have not brought up the distance. I thought if I didn't, it'd go by faster. If I didn't, it would make the problems not real. If we don't talk about it, how is it real?
But it's real as fuck. And it's affecting me. Us. Scratch that. It's affecting me. But I don't want to tell you of course. Because I don't want you to start being self-conscious of all the shit you say around me, because what we have is based on all the shit you say around me. Then perhaps what we have is not right then? No. It is the distance talking.
You're happy. I don't want to ruin that. If I tell you the truth, which I don't mean, it'll ruin the high you are on. What kind of a shitty ass move is that. Why tell the truth, that will become the untruth in 26 days, when I see you again, snuggle up in your arms and everything is fine again? Why tell you that I really don't want to hear anymore about how you want to throw me around and make me obey you, if I no longer hear about the caresses after?
Exactly. I don't.
Included in the things I don't have to tell you is how upset I feel when I see the things you want me to be and do, but I can't. And how insecure I am when I see others who can, and just how much I do not ever want to feel this way, or be put in this position, and how much I enjoy being single again.
You do enough. To balance out the shittiness you pre-empted in me, to try and make things seem better. You listen to my rants, you keep me in your life even though we're so far, you care, and I know. So maybe I'm just the bitch here. Which is why it's even more important to not tell you.
Urgh I hate how I now write with my audience in mind. Raw emotions are never what they are when watched. Maybe it's for the better.
3 comments:
Hang in there <3 it will get better ! And if it doesn't than maybe you're not getting what you need out of the relationship and you need to kick em in the nuts until you do ( or ditch it and find people that make you feel happy and special and valued and LOVED) *hugs*
Long Distance is painful and terrible when you are in it, then when it's over...
I have been here i know this place you visit, just try to remember it is only a visit.
<3 a friend
Whenever you tell, I'll listen <3
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