The car was slowly but surely approaching Rochester. We passed by signs that say Binghamton, Liberty, Syracuse. We were in Syracuse. I slept intermittently. I slept as an escape. I think people who say they've not slept for 30 days are lying. They do sleep, they just don't notice themselves falling into deep slumber, and then wake up thinking they just blinked.
I am acutely aware of my sleep. It helps move time along when you know you can't be awake anymore. When it becomes torturous to just sit and stare at the wall, and you know inside you want to pick up that pen and start scribbling Cyrillic letters on your empty, lined paper... and then when you realize you needed to, because your paper of Cyrillic letters need to go to some authority figure to be graded, then you lose all sense of desire to do it.
I haven't eaten in 14 hours. But I slept for half of that anyway. Or more. I doubt I had been awake for longer than 2 hours. I wouldn't have been able to do it.
I only left this little cubicle I call my room to go to brush my teeth. The saliva in my mouth had gotten all viscous, due to the fact that I haven't talked to a single living soul for 11 hours now. But like I said, half of that was probably spent sleeping. My eyeliner is all smudged from all the crying I had done. It seemed like I only woke up to dissolve into tears. My lips are all dry from the heater that does a shitty job of warming my room and my suite anyway.
Blogger is the first intelligent lifeform that I've interacted with today. I suppose after this I'll go do my Russian homework. I'll watch this video and write about how Olya from Moscow and Kevin from America visited Zvenigorod, which was really pretty, and saw all the pretty churches and old houses, and started holding hands.
I didn't go to any of my classes today. How could I have? I'd be sitting in room 413, all hollow with my emotions sucked out of me like moisture from my lips, learning how to use prefixed verbs of motion, when I'm won't be able to use it anytime soon since I'm not all that mobile anyway. What excuse would I have to give my professor? Sorry prof, can't go to class today, I had a nervous breakdown at 3am that lasted all the day till the afternoon the next day. Peace.
Or learning about the properties of light in Physics. I'm so fucked for that class. I'm not even trying. I got a B- in Astronomy last semester. I didn't go to any of my classes, missed an entire homework set and did the exams as they came.
Growing up I've been told myths and fables about people who don't have enough to eat, and have to work five jobs to support their family, or just to survive. Myths and fables, because what did those people mean to me anyway? What did the needs of those people mean to me? I don't know such people, I don't think I would have liked to. I was living in my little bubble, in a car that had four cars, the total of which would have cost more than my house. I moved from one bubble to another, and now I'm in the nation of bubbles. So isolated and unconcerned.
I'm like a broken record, aren't I.
I am acutely aware of my sleep. It helps move time along when you know you can't be awake anymore. When it becomes torturous to just sit and stare at the wall, and you know inside you want to pick up that pen and start scribbling Cyrillic letters on your empty, lined paper... and then when you realize you needed to, because your paper of Cyrillic letters need to go to some authority figure to be graded, then you lose all sense of desire to do it.
I haven't eaten in 14 hours. But I slept for half of that anyway. Or more. I doubt I had been awake for longer than 2 hours. I wouldn't have been able to do it.
I only left this little cubicle I call my room to go to brush my teeth. The saliva in my mouth had gotten all viscous, due to the fact that I haven't talked to a single living soul for 11 hours now. But like I said, half of that was probably spent sleeping. My eyeliner is all smudged from all the crying I had done. It seemed like I only woke up to dissolve into tears. My lips are all dry from the heater that does a shitty job of warming my room and my suite anyway.
Blogger is the first intelligent lifeform that I've interacted with today. I suppose after this I'll go do my Russian homework. I'll watch this video and write about how Olya from Moscow and Kevin from America visited Zvenigorod, which was really pretty, and saw all the pretty churches and old houses, and started holding hands.
I didn't go to any of my classes today. How could I have? I'd be sitting in room 413, all hollow with my emotions sucked out of me like moisture from my lips, learning how to use prefixed verbs of motion, when I'm won't be able to use it anytime soon since I'm not all that mobile anyway. What excuse would I have to give my professor? Sorry prof, can't go to class today, I had a nervous breakdown at 3am that lasted all the day till the afternoon the next day. Peace.
Or learning about the properties of light in Physics. I'm so fucked for that class. I'm not even trying. I got a B- in Astronomy last semester. I didn't go to any of my classes, missed an entire homework set and did the exams as they came.
Growing up I've been told myths and fables about people who don't have enough to eat, and have to work five jobs to support their family, or just to survive. Myths and fables, because what did those people mean to me anyway? What did the needs of those people mean to me? I don't know such people, I don't think I would have liked to. I was living in my little bubble, in a car that had four cars, the total of which would have cost more than my house. I moved from one bubble to another, and now I'm in the nation of bubbles. So isolated and unconcerned.
I'm like a broken record, aren't I.
8 comments:
Sounds like you are depressed...and alone...
Where did feisty May Zhee go? I miss her.
I think you try to imitate the books you're reading, but at least you're using words you know the meanings of.
If you want to be a writer you should get your own identity first.
I've been told that regardless of how reluctant you are to keep going, you have to. Even if you don't know where you're going.
This place is really depressing. I know, I've been here for twenty six months.
May Zhee,
Are you sure you are not depressed?
So many of your post take on gloom and doom. This post even lacks compassion.
Not caring at all for those less fortunate than yourself.
I have friends and family who have traveled to Haiti at their own expense. That island nation is very poor, made worse by the earthquake of two years ago.
You choose to live in a bubble.
You are surrounded by some of the most compassionate and charitable people on this earth.
Before you mention those that are not compassionate nor charitable, I am quite aware of those who will cheat you of everything you own.
People who would use a young women like you for sex and then leave you without a word.
No one is perfect. Yet you have many more advantages than 95% percent of those you share this pale blue dot with.
David
David, am I sure I am not depressed? No. Do I want to pretend like I care about people in Haiti? No.
Have you considered taking a brief medical leave? I burned out not too long ago and made that choice. It's been working well so far, and as far as paperwork went, it really wasn't too much trouble.
Other commenters, please hold off on the vapid, masturbatory preaching tq
- a fellow Malaysian in Amurrca
Charlie & May Zhee,
No vapid or grame remark.
What is puzzling, is that May is living life as a student.
That puts her in a very privledged position. She has a good life that if she does not do anything foolish, will lead to a comfortable life style years from now.
She lacks for no material need, yet she is burned out.
Many do not have the basics each day, and me thinks she is verging on snobbery.
I like most of what MAy Zhee writes, yet she cannot acknowledge her good fortune in life.
David
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