Sunday, April 08, 2012

Feeling neurotic.

I've been having some terrible days. I suspect it's the hormones, but then again it's always the hormones. When is it never the hormones. But back to my terrible days. Before, the bf was away. I was having a great time with my life. Too great. I knew it was the calm before the storm. I woke up with birds in my ears and squirrels at my feet. My week was a balance of work and friends. I took up being props person for a theater production. I was happy, motivated, calm.

Then he comes back. My period happens. Boom. Everything shatters.

I start picking fights with him. This was in addition to our usual "OMG you think it should be this way OMG I think it should be this way" fights. Our fights are stupid. It's not like we're on opposite sides of anything. We're both on the same side, after I've toned down my America-hating and abandoned even my slightest rightist tendencies. (We both hate certain aspects America, but it's apparently not okay to shit on it too much in front of him, because it's still his country. Or something.) So in addition to those fights, there were the other fights. Why do I have to speed up my shower time to catch the bus to see you when you didn't have to cut down your disc golfing time? OMG, who cares? Why do people care about shit like this? I feel like both the spectator and the actor. I watch myself - speaking these words, flailing my arms, scrunching up my face, yet I have no idea why I am doing these things.

Then I realize I know exactly why I'm doing these things. Because I live in an unfree society, where things aren't always fair to everyone. That if I don't stand guard, stay vigilant and assert my right to things, then I get duped. Cheated of what I could have gotten if I didn't just give in, go with the flow, and move on. There is no such thing as "going with the flow". It's just a lie told by those who have things, so they can keep their things away from you. When you go with the flow, you let yourself be assimilated, used and discarded. And what do you gain from it? A sense of personal happiness from going with the flow?

Bullfuckingshit. If personal happiness is all that matters, why do we bother entering relationships? We enter into relationships because we want another person's happiness to be a part of our lives now, and for our happiness to become intertwined with the other person. Or at least, you know that's what you're going to get when you enter into a relationship. No longer just my happiness. It is now our happiness. It's like being creepily joined at the liver with your Siamese twin. Look, Jane, it is our happiness now...

It's all. so. fucking. bullshit!

Neither do I want to return to casual fucking of men. At least, I really don't think so. Not ever since I heard of this really obvious study, so obvious that it never hit me until my friend told me about it, her words like a big yellow school bus. The study was this: women in casual relationships don't get as many orgasms as men, because it's harder for women, and men stop trying.

I don't even want to talk about the threat of a man's masculinity when we introduce the idea of using a vibrator in sex because he is unable to finish the job. Oops, guess I just did.

I for one like my orgasms. So much. Do I like it more than banging some hot dude? I don't know. Maybe I should. Is it a problem that I don't? Because it might be. God, this sucks. I feel like I've walked backwards to square one. Powerless, insignificant, square one.

Enough.

5 comments:

Eunice said...

. . . Speechless , MayZhee...you're a good girl, u know that...but why? U dislike your life right now?with yr current BF?0.0
u know whats the best for u .

Cady said...

Links to the study about orgasm? Would be an interesting read!

Anonymous said...

You are fucking crazy.

Anonymous said...

I want pictures :)
Hope you are well my friend- love hearing whats happening every now and again!
(Mr Craig, Malaysia, English)
- Brit

limpeh behsong said...

knn gib me la tour-de-fart of your little tissue. mayzhee bye.