So I have a confession. A disclaimer. A lot of the things I'm about to say will sound very unfeminist of me, and I will be treading on thin ice, but I'm going to say it anyway. Because someone has to.
Things have gotten a lot more boring since I started not sleeping with other men. It wasn't just the sex, it was the lifestyle I've built around that, and I am sure I'm not the only one. It's the dressing up and putting on make-up before the night out, it's the calling up your friends so we can go hit the bars and clubs, it's listening to music while you do all that and being all fun and happy, and lively, and sociable. And not really giving a shit about your cynicism and hatred of humanity once the night falls, because all that kind of just goes away when you're really drunk. Of course after that I go home with a guy, and the friends go away, and the clothes come off, but still.
Now I spend my nights watching reruns of Sex and the City, and fearing I'm actually going to die of boredom once I've seen it all, and waiting until I fall asleep instead of falling asleep from exhaustion because I've partied too hard.
It's not entirely bad. I'm not super unhappy or anything, I'm just pointing out what a big change this is and how I've completely failed to adapt to it. I like some of my nights here, and I very much like just chilling out with good company and drinking not to get hammered but just because it loosens people up, and because everyone loves alcohol, regardless of what extent you wish to imbibe.
For example, the house across mine is having a party and they are blasting dance music. It is a house full of guys who go to my college and had this been me a year ago, I would have unabashedly gone up to them and requested to gatecrash. (I'm classy like that.) My driving force was the fact that I am a woman who knew how to look, dress and smile, and no one was going to reject a woman like that. And I've rarely been rejected. All of the men I've unabashed approached for sex have taken up the offer.
Today, I am still that unabashed woman, with little residues of old me left. I am still very much looking at attractive men, just I have no plans to fuck any of them. And man, that made life so much...duller. I still have fun, don't get me wrong. Just very different fun. Especially the way people do it here. It's a lot more house parties and less drinking outside. I was hanging out with a bunch of (male) friends recently and I had a good time. Ever since I've gotten less wild, I've grown to like beer because I don't need to get drunk fast anymore, and so I've really gotten to know and appreciate different kinds of beer. I realize my favorite beer is India Pale Ales, and it wasn't a discovery I wanted to undiscover. So we sat around, drank beer, and talked. There was an extremely cute guy that a year ago me would have been all over, but I was restrained, cross-legged, on the other side of the room, drinking and talking about how capitalism sucks. Always a great topic (not. I really hate talking about it but I just somehow get sucked into it). There were two girls at the gathering, but one just didn't seem that interested to talk to me, and the other was a total airhead who was a sorority sister.
"Women are for friendship, men are for fucking." My once upon a time hero Samantha Jones said. Now I'm starting to feel myself relate to Miranda much more. That statement was very true for me, and now I find myself having to put the "fucking" into a misfit box called "friendship". Needless to say, that didn't turn out so well. I lost three quarters of my male friends once I started a relationship, and probably much more if it was actually "official" on Facebook, nevermind we are very official in real life as it is. A bigger problem was, I had no female friends. I really never tried making any. I had friends - my friends back home. I made great friends, we bonded, we laughed and cried together, shared great times, great food, great stories with each other...and so I have friends. Have. Had. I don't know what form to use. I've gone through the whole building friendships that last for a life phase...I don't need to do that in college. It is not my fault most of them are thousands of miles away. (Okay, maybe it is a little.) I don't need and I don't want to go through that again. Truth be told, I have one good friend in college. Yes. One. Her name is Melani. Two years in college and I emerge with one real friend. And I don't find myself needing more, which is why I am spending my weekend night typing this sad confessional blog post...
I don't know what to do. The really obvious solution is to get out there and make friends. Which is going to be hard as there is no one in this city that I want to spend any time with. At all. The idea of sitting with them at the dinner table attempting strenuous conversation is so unpleasant to me that I shelf the potential invitation everytime. Or maybe the solution is to get used to being so lonely and only hanging out with my boyfriend and Melani. And Sex and the City reruns.
There are great things in my life today. This is not a complaint...or at least, I'm trying not to make it sound like one. I really enjoy spending time with the bf, where we would roam the city for good food, or go grocery shopping, or watch good movies in bed. (I know, from having sex in bathroom stalls to this?) Everything we do is good. I'm happy. I think, however, that I'm going to have to start considering what I do outside of that. Who I am now that I'm no longer the woman who can never be tamed. Because now I am "tamed" but that cannot and will not be my identity. It was okay being the wild child because that identity wasn't bound to anyone or anything, it could morph and evolve (and evolve, it did) and it had breathing space. I can't be The Girlfriend. I've done that, it was horrible, and it was what turned me into the woman who can never be tamed.
Maybe I should build real relationships with people. Preferably not male as they always try to fuck me. True story. Maybe I should make the effort and have more than just one girl friend. The problem with that is most of the people I've met here are retards. Half of them are in sororities and I can rarely have anything lasting with someone in a sorority. I just can't. Our principles are too different. Maybe there might be one of two that'll slip through the cracks but we'd have to avoid talking about her "sisters" because I will cringe everytime I hear that word. The other half...don't make that great of a company. I'm sorry. Halfway through my talking about how capitalism sucks, this girl goes, "This is too intellectual for me." Jesus. It's not like I was going all Judith Butler on you or something. Granted, that girl was in a sorority, but I really haven't had a great pool to choose from.
I am a picky friend-er. Yes. I admit it. Even though I'm not that great of a person myself. But I require my friends to not be stupid, apathetic, dull, narrow-minded, religious, awkward, uptight, and so on. Yes, it is terrible and this is why I have no friends. But so it goes.
For those who are reading this and going, "Wow she's matured so much since she's been in a relationship!" Please. God no. I will actually maliciously plan to vomit on you if you say that. Because you're implying that women who want to sleep with many men are like children, and women who choose to only sleep with one is an adult. That is just total fucking bullshit. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't make you mature. It just means you enjoy the company of one man. A woman can sleep around at any age, and I will sure go back to it if things don't work out. If anything, it's that stupid woman that jumps into a relationship because she felt that tingly feeling inside of her that's childish. But I will no longer put that label on people.
Well, I guess that's all I have to ramble for tonight. I'm sure part two will come, because I will still have no friends in a week or so. Good news is I'm going home in a month, to the land where I have friends. For now, I'm going to hang out with said male friends again, because I am wearing a really cute dress and no one has seen me in it today, and that's just travesty.
Things have gotten a lot more boring since I started not sleeping with other men. It wasn't just the sex, it was the lifestyle I've built around that, and I am sure I'm not the only one. It's the dressing up and putting on make-up before the night out, it's the calling up your friends so we can go hit the bars and clubs, it's listening to music while you do all that and being all fun and happy, and lively, and sociable. And not really giving a shit about your cynicism and hatred of humanity once the night falls, because all that kind of just goes away when you're really drunk. Of course after that I go home with a guy, and the friends go away, and the clothes come off, but still.
Now I spend my nights watching reruns of Sex and the City, and fearing I'm actually going to die of boredom once I've seen it all, and waiting until I fall asleep instead of falling asleep from exhaustion because I've partied too hard.
It's not entirely bad. I'm not super unhappy or anything, I'm just pointing out what a big change this is and how I've completely failed to adapt to it. I like some of my nights here, and I very much like just chilling out with good company and drinking not to get hammered but just because it loosens people up, and because everyone loves alcohol, regardless of what extent you wish to imbibe.
For example, the house across mine is having a party and they are blasting dance music. It is a house full of guys who go to my college and had this been me a year ago, I would have unabashedly gone up to them and requested to gatecrash. (I'm classy like that.) My driving force was the fact that I am a woman who knew how to look, dress and smile, and no one was going to reject a woman like that. And I've rarely been rejected. All of the men I've unabashed approached for sex have taken up the offer.
Today, I am still that unabashed woman, with little residues of old me left. I am still very much looking at attractive men, just I have no plans to fuck any of them. And man, that made life so much...duller. I still have fun, don't get me wrong. Just very different fun. Especially the way people do it here. It's a lot more house parties and less drinking outside. I was hanging out with a bunch of (male) friends recently and I had a good time. Ever since I've gotten less wild, I've grown to like beer because I don't need to get drunk fast anymore, and so I've really gotten to know and appreciate different kinds of beer. I realize my favorite beer is India Pale Ales, and it wasn't a discovery I wanted to undiscover. So we sat around, drank beer, and talked. There was an extremely cute guy that a year ago me would have been all over, but I was restrained, cross-legged, on the other side of the room, drinking and talking about how capitalism sucks. Always a great topic (not. I really hate talking about it but I just somehow get sucked into it). There were two girls at the gathering, but one just didn't seem that interested to talk to me, and the other was a total airhead who was a sorority sister.
"Women are for friendship, men are for fucking." My once upon a time hero Samantha Jones said. Now I'm starting to feel myself relate to Miranda much more. That statement was very true for me, and now I find myself having to put the "fucking" into a misfit box called "friendship". Needless to say, that didn't turn out so well. I lost three quarters of my male friends once I started a relationship, and probably much more if it was actually "official" on Facebook, nevermind we are very official in real life as it is. A bigger problem was, I had no female friends. I really never tried making any. I had friends - my friends back home. I made great friends, we bonded, we laughed and cried together, shared great times, great food, great stories with each other...and so I have friends. Have. Had. I don't know what form to use. I've gone through the whole building friendships that last for a life phase...I don't need to do that in college. It is not my fault most of them are thousands of miles away. (Okay, maybe it is a little.) I don't need and I don't want to go through that again. Truth be told, I have one good friend in college. Yes. One. Her name is Melani. Two years in college and I emerge with one real friend. And I don't find myself needing more, which is why I am spending my weekend night typing this sad confessional blog post...
I don't know what to do. The really obvious solution is to get out there and make friends. Which is going to be hard as there is no one in this city that I want to spend any time with. At all. The idea of sitting with them at the dinner table attempting strenuous conversation is so unpleasant to me that I shelf the potential invitation everytime. Or maybe the solution is to get used to being so lonely and only hanging out with my boyfriend and Melani. And Sex and the City reruns.
There are great things in my life today. This is not a complaint...or at least, I'm trying not to make it sound like one. I really enjoy spending time with the bf, where we would roam the city for good food, or go grocery shopping, or watch good movies in bed. (I know, from having sex in bathroom stalls to this?) Everything we do is good. I'm happy. I think, however, that I'm going to have to start considering what I do outside of that. Who I am now that I'm no longer the woman who can never be tamed. Because now I am "tamed" but that cannot and will not be my identity. It was okay being the wild child because that identity wasn't bound to anyone or anything, it could morph and evolve (and evolve, it did) and it had breathing space. I can't be The Girlfriend. I've done that, it was horrible, and it was what turned me into the woman who can never be tamed.
Maybe I should build real relationships with people. Preferably not male as they always try to fuck me. True story. Maybe I should make the effort and have more than just one girl friend. The problem with that is most of the people I've met here are retards. Half of them are in sororities and I can rarely have anything lasting with someone in a sorority. I just can't. Our principles are too different. Maybe there might be one of two that'll slip through the cracks but we'd have to avoid talking about her "sisters" because I will cringe everytime I hear that word. The other half...don't make that great of a company. I'm sorry. Halfway through my talking about how capitalism sucks, this girl goes, "This is too intellectual for me." Jesus. It's not like I was going all Judith Butler on you or something. Granted, that girl was in a sorority, but I really haven't had a great pool to choose from.
I am a picky friend-er. Yes. I admit it. Even though I'm not that great of a person myself. But I require my friends to not be stupid, apathetic, dull, narrow-minded, religious, awkward, uptight, and so on. Yes, it is terrible and this is why I have no friends. But so it goes.
For those who are reading this and going, "Wow she's matured so much since she's been in a relationship!" Please. God no. I will actually maliciously plan to vomit on you if you say that. Because you're implying that women who want to sleep with many men are like children, and women who choose to only sleep with one is an adult. That is just total fucking bullshit. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't make you mature. It just means you enjoy the company of one man. A woman can sleep around at any age, and I will sure go back to it if things don't work out. If anything, it's that stupid woman that jumps into a relationship because she felt that tingly feeling inside of her that's childish. But I will no longer put that label on people.
Well, I guess that's all I have to ramble for tonight. I'm sure part two will come, because I will still have no friends in a week or so. Good news is I'm going home in a month, to the land where I have friends. For now, I'm going to hang out with said male friends again, because I am wearing a really cute dress and no one has seen me in it today, and that's just travesty.
3 comments:
I love reading your blog Mayzhee.
I had similar feelings about people in general (not just women). I can't say what's changed but I'm slightly more accepting of people I'd previously deem as dull or uninteresting. Maybe it just happens as you get older and you let all of life just wash over you like a waterfall, so you are no longer irked by such things.
Good luck to you and the bf. I too used to be like you when I was much younger, but I prefer having just the one man in my life now. You're right, a woman's choice to have whatever relationships (or lack thereof) does not reflect on her maturity. It's all about choices towards happiness.
-- Hui
Your honesty makes a very interesting post. Keep writing!
You're hilarious! What's wrong with awkward people, now?
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