Relationships suck. Especially if you want to be a sane person in this insane world. It will knock you down even when you're down. It will leave you dead by the side of a road, your guts hanging out for the vultures to come at you. Sometimes it'll sure feel that way. And you're going to go through it a changed person. I know I certainly am.
A week ago I thought I had a revelation about my relationship. I realized I've been a complete shithead the whole year, and all the unhealthy things I was doing to myself emotionally - I had to stop. I gave myself the ultimatum: I was going to fully accept that I'm in a relationship...or not be in one. I had to stop walking the tightrope and let myself fall on either side. Because walking the tightrope was tiring, exhausting and left me feeling anxious all the time. And so last week I confronted those anxieties, and did this whole mental thing to reorient myself. I was finally going to be happy. Not just content, but happy with my life. And I thought that was such a big milestone and all...until it was trampled and spat on by the one person who should not have done that.
So the revelation was complete shit. Relationships suck. I hate emotions. I hate feeling insecure. I hate trusting a large part of my emotions and well-being to someone else. I hate everything about this. Not only am I back on the tightrope, I was flung back so fast and hard I am close to falling off the other side. So close. Dangerously close. Voluntarily close.
The thing that really, really kills me about this is how much I've changed as a person. The bf said to me recently that he didn't like talking to me sometimes because he felt like I was always asking him about his feelings...and that hurt. So much. It really killed me, enough to make me quit. It's like those hall of mirrors tents that you walk into, except you walk out actually being your reflection and you're suddenly a freakshow. And I wish so much that it wasn't true but it is true. It didn't used to be true. I would be the one complaining about that in a world where everything was right again. Fuck feelings. Look at blog posts from more than a year ago. That was me. That was me. That was me. How dare anyone take that away from me. And I wish I could run away from it, or say this didn't used to be me and so this is unfair, or I could just man up to the truth that this is me now. And I was going to have to deal with that as present me, not past me, not the me I wish I could be...and to apologize to the bf, and promise I would tone the drama llama down a little.
Maybe it's not as bad as I am making it out to be. I am typing all this in a state of confusion. But why, why would anyone dump their carefree, secure and liberating personality for the role of a girlfriend? Why would you yearn to be in a relationship when single life is so, so great? You don't have to worry about anyone's interests, or how people think about you, or how you're dividing your time. You have no worries, none at all, except if you've had your Brazilian wax for the night. That was legitimately my only worry as a single person. That, and STDs but I was safe in and out of bed.
I'm sorry, it is not a choice. You don't choose to bring who you are as a single person into a relationship. Feelings and hormones take over, and the next day you're not the same person anymore. Loving a hundred men versus loving one man is not the same.
How is any of this fun? All so you have that one person to think about and to metaphorically go home to at the end of the day? And I know. I know that feeling is great. I signed a lease with that person, I am the last person you need to tell about how great feelings are. It was great to have someone who will kiss me before he leaves for work every morning. It is great to have someone to think about when you're not thinking about anything at all. Emotions can be great. But the reason I hate being in a relationship is that no one told me how I should behave. There was no handbook for me. Are emotions good? Are emotions bad? Are showing them good or bad? I've heard both sides...and I don't like either of them. As a woman I'm bombarded with so many mixed signals - my body's included. One day it's going to tell me that I want to have kids, and then I'm royally fucked.
I just want emotions to be, I don't want to have to think of them in a black and white way, but it's so hard. I thought I could. I thought I succeeded for a week. I thought I had a revelation. I was ready to just let emotions be...and then they were eaten up and spat out. And I'm starting to think none of this is fucking worth it.
A week ago I thought I had a revelation about my relationship. I realized I've been a complete shithead the whole year, and all the unhealthy things I was doing to myself emotionally - I had to stop. I gave myself the ultimatum: I was going to fully accept that I'm in a relationship...or not be in one. I had to stop walking the tightrope and let myself fall on either side. Because walking the tightrope was tiring, exhausting and left me feeling anxious all the time. And so last week I confronted those anxieties, and did this whole mental thing to reorient myself. I was finally going to be happy. Not just content, but happy with my life. And I thought that was such a big milestone and all...until it was trampled and spat on by the one person who should not have done that.
So the revelation was complete shit. Relationships suck. I hate emotions. I hate feeling insecure. I hate trusting a large part of my emotions and well-being to someone else. I hate everything about this. Not only am I back on the tightrope, I was flung back so fast and hard I am close to falling off the other side. So close. Dangerously close. Voluntarily close.
The thing that really, really kills me about this is how much I've changed as a person. The bf said to me recently that he didn't like talking to me sometimes because he felt like I was always asking him about his feelings...and that hurt. So much. It really killed me, enough to make me quit. It's like those hall of mirrors tents that you walk into, except you walk out actually being your reflection and you're suddenly a freakshow. And I wish so much that it wasn't true but it is true. It didn't used to be true. I would be the one complaining about that in a world where everything was right again. Fuck feelings. Look at blog posts from more than a year ago. That was me. That was me. That was me. How dare anyone take that away from me. And I wish I could run away from it, or say this didn't used to be me and so this is unfair, or I could just man up to the truth that this is me now. And I was going to have to deal with that as present me, not past me, not the me I wish I could be...and to apologize to the bf, and promise I would tone the drama llama down a little.
Maybe it's not as bad as I am making it out to be. I am typing all this in a state of confusion. But why, why would anyone dump their carefree, secure and liberating personality for the role of a girlfriend? Why would you yearn to be in a relationship when single life is so, so great? You don't have to worry about anyone's interests, or how people think about you, or how you're dividing your time. You have no worries, none at all, except if you've had your Brazilian wax for the night. That was legitimately my only worry as a single person. That, and STDs but I was safe in and out of bed.
I'm sorry, it is not a choice. You don't choose to bring who you are as a single person into a relationship. Feelings and hormones take over, and the next day you're not the same person anymore. Loving a hundred men versus loving one man is not the same.
How is any of this fun? All so you have that one person to think about and to metaphorically go home to at the end of the day? And I know. I know that feeling is great. I signed a lease with that person, I am the last person you need to tell about how great feelings are. It was great to have someone who will kiss me before he leaves for work every morning. It is great to have someone to think about when you're not thinking about anything at all. Emotions can be great. But the reason I hate being in a relationship is that no one told me how I should behave. There was no handbook for me. Are emotions good? Are emotions bad? Are showing them good or bad? I've heard both sides...and I don't like either of them. As a woman I'm bombarded with so many mixed signals - my body's included. One day it's going to tell me that I want to have kids, and then I'm royally fucked.
I just want emotions to be, I don't want to have to think of them in a black and white way, but it's so hard. I thought I could. I thought I succeeded for a week. I thought I had a revelation. I was ready to just let emotions be...and then they were eaten up and spat out. And I'm starting to think none of this is fucking worth it.
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