Friday, December 07, 2012

I've been reading a lot about the écriture féminine lately. It means a body of feminine writing that produces our own meaning and resists male dominance, even if at first we have to use non-female language and non-female mediums. It is the metaphorical female body that speaks, that laughs, that dances, that cries, that loves.

Currently my écriture féminine is a ten-paged paper on Antigone and Nora from A Doll's House, and it is pathetic. I have zero inspiration to write it. It has five pages of ерунда, which is Russian for nonsense. I have to rewrite it, retell it and reproduce it. If that's my ecriture feminine (I'm going to stop adding the accents now they are a pain in the ass) I'm clearly not expressing myself very well.

Sigh.

A friend told me that the past two mornings was the first time in two weeks she woke up not thinking about the guy she had just broken up with. That is her ecriture feminine. I don't remember the last time I've woken up in the morning not thinking about my relationship. I don't remember the last time I have not thought about my relationship. Now, as I'm writing, I am thinking about my relationship.

It's not in a bad or good way. At least, it isn't anymore. And it's not just about the relationship, but about me and how I am as a person in a relationship. Because I do believe it's different. When you let someone else into your life, you change as a person. Your ecriture feminine changes. And it's important to realize that.

Sometimes I just feel existentially alone. It's a big word to drop at 11 in the morning, but it's true. When I walk two and a half blocks to wait for the bus to college with all the other people who live in my area waiting for the bus to college, I don't feel connected to any one of them. In fact, I loath them. I hate the girl who smokes a cigarette everytime she waits and then gets on the bus and coughs her lungs out. I hate her Gothic fashion - I don't know who she's trying to impress. I feel so extremely detached from my surroundings, from new people that try to enter my life, from some of my existing friends.

Yet I have never felt like I needed the company of people more than I have at any point in my life. I can't be alone anymore. Truly. I don't know what I would do. I used to love being alone, I'm sure I wrote a blog post about it at some point. Doing things alone, eating alone, going to the mall alone, reading alone. In my life, there was only me. And it was so much better. I made friends that were keepers for life, I met so many men, I was happy. Satisfyingly happy. So happy. All that just went away with age.

I'm not being nostalgic. I don't doubt I had troubles back then. I don't doubt I had heartaches occasionally. Or hard times. But they never got right to the core of me, because at the end of the day I had myself. Today, I don't know if I can say that anymore. Today, I finally understand why people go into the woods and meditate and try to "find themselves". Today, I understand the point of yoga and breathing exercises. Today, I understand how it feels to be human. So human. Too human.

And it's all because of him. This is my ecriture feminine. Take it, or leave it.

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your flickering candle is doing as it does in the wind. go figure.

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