Monday, January 14, 2013

Paying bills drive me absolutely crazy. I hate that there is a fixed, recurring time that I have to do it by. It cuts up my life into these segments of time - the 1st of every month, the 27th of every month, the 15th, and so on. They kind of all collapse inwards and I lose all sense of time. Was it really just three weeks ago that I paid my credit card bill? It felt like two months. Was it really just two weeks ago that I was sitting in the same vehicle with my family, driving along the coast of California, and now they're two continents away from me? I can't seem to pin that memory down in any point of space or time in my mind. It's too hard to think that it's been two years and a half that I've been away, and it's even harder to think about the year and a half to come, and what after.

Phone bills, utility bills, rent, credit card... it goes on, relentless, whether or not you're ready to cough it all up. You get penalized here and there - a late fee, a warning, the "Fuck! Shit!" moment when you realize the 27th was three days ago and how did it slip past you again?

It destroys everything I know of today. I can't ever be happy with the present. That is my flaw. I cradle the future in my arms and I carry the past on my shoulders. I am caught in between the two poles and someday, maybe someday, they will both collapse on me in the most painful, violent, shocking way possible and I will learn to live in the present.

I am going to drown myself in some Zooey Deschanel comedy.

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