Everything I'm about to write is fictional. Entirely fictional. So I assume zero responsibility for all the statements hereafter.

He asked me why we were normal, and I gave him an explanation that made sense to me. That it's feelings, I guess, but I don't know if it's really feelings. It should be. Me not being okay with involving other people in our sexual relations. As much as I want to move away from an unconventional relationship, a part of me moves closer. It's as if I like and don't like it at the same time. Sometimes I feel like I express jealousy about you and other girls just for the sake of it, when I'm not really jealous underneath, but an impulse calls for it. Do you understand? You're just unfortunate, I guess. I feel like you were just pigeonholed into this position in my mind.

Yeah, I guess it only made sense to me.

People like to say, "It's because you actually like him." You can almost see their face contort in the manner if they were to say the statement in slow motion. It's because you actually like him. It just sounds too convenient to me. Poor guy. Maybe if I didn't. actually. like. him that much, he'd have the wildest manifestations of his fantasies fulfilled.

He thinks it's companionship that we're together. I don't know what it is, so I'll just agree with him.

Learning the map of America.

I copied the nondescript shape onto my notebook, and then turned to ask him, "What state is this?" "Pennsylvania," he answered, and then gave this weird huff of breath that functions as a chuckle, which I've inadvertently picked up because it's such a convenient way of laughing. Yes, I am learning the map of America. Fifty motherfucking states in a country. (And a federal district, says Wikipedia.) It's interesting to be on the other side. Who knew Massachusetts was not south of New York. My first quiz on that certainly did not, and if I thought I could get partial credit by writing Boston all over Pennsylvania I was wrong.

This country is huge, and I feel like I'm never going to leave.

Hey, it's been a while.

What a calm, calm start to the year. So the reason I haven't been blogging is, you guessed it, I'm happy. I'm blissfully, uninterruptedly, definitely happy. Things have just fallen into place and I felt like my pieces make sense now. Maybe we're never really meant to pick up our pieces, or put them back together. Sometimes things just need to look right.

And look right, they do. It's official. I'm staying put where I am. It took a year to smooth out the bullshit, but we're here. I'm so glad, because neither of us wanted to go through that "weird dance we did last year", as he puts it. Making the leap from that weird dance was, well, weird, but it happened. And it's been greater than ever.  Not just in terms of us, but how he's just such a great human being to be with sometimes. I'm comfortable with him, though at times I feel like I shouldn't be. He's very smart, and constantly challenges me on things, though he usually is never able to change my mind, and his criticisms link back to him just as much. Sure, he may have the tendency to mess up in the typical (cave)man way, but he makes up for them almost instantly, though I admit to being the petty bitch at times. We step forward, we move backwards. I like it.

We function like really, really, really great sex, except with that dynamic taken out of just the carnal realm. We should be really dysfunctional, but it works. Seamlessly, beautifully. I feel like we've merely transitioned from unhinged turmoil to contained chaos. Not to mention, we have really really really great sex.

I'm happy. I don't care how long this lasts. It can end tomorrow, but I'm just really, really happy. He's a special one. What a keeper.

Exhausted.

It's 3.31am and I'm wiping away tears that come so naturally to me now. I cry, because I'm not who I am anymore. I thought it was a crisis, but what happens when the crisis permeates your everyday life and thoughts. When you become conscious of how you act with people, how you think about people, and what everything means to you. The person this blog used to know was dying slowly, and -

I don't even know how to write this. It's too hard. For weeks my fingers have hovered over the keyboard. I don't know how to express just how big yet insignificant this is. I'm tired. Too tired. I sigh a lot. I don't want to do anything with my life. I am dead on the inside. It happened a long time ago.

The problem with such emptiness is, how does anyone go on.

Tips for students studying in America*

I am always having to have this conversation with people.

People: But America is awesome!
Me: ...How?
People: I mean, New York is great!

Yeah no. New York is great. LA is great. San Francisco is great. [Insert the few major cities they have] is great. But that's 0.01% of America. What about the rest of America? Or.

People: But America is awesome!
Me: ...How?
People: Oh you live in Rochester, you wouldn't know.

Again false. Rochester is what's normal of America. Rochester is the equivalent of every other non-major city (EONMC) in America. I have spoken to my friends and relatives who go to school or work or live in EONMC in America, and it's exactly like Rochester. Michigan State in East Lansing. University of Virginia in Charlottesville. Yale in New Haven. Family in Hartford. Washington DC. Binghamton. Amherst. Western Conneticut. Maryland. Trust me, due to debate, I've traveled to more places in the region than anyone else, and newsflash: THEY ARE ALL LIVING IN ROCHESTER. Or I'm living where they are. Same thing, because America is a copy-and-paste country. You live in one area, you can live in all.

That could be good news, or that could be bad news. For me it's bad news. Because I require where I am living for the next FOUR YEARS to have its own identity, culture, flavor. I don't know what is America's identity, or culture, or flavor. If your only answer to me is baseball. Yeah I dunno.

So here goes my tips for students from any country, really, who will be living in EONMC America for the first time ever. Unless your country sounds like what I've described above. Then you probably live in America, and should really learn up the name of your country, as I'm sure that's the one thing your shitty school system has taught you.

Begin.

(Also if you're living in the South or the Mid-West I recommend you go kill yourself to save yourself the horror.)

1. They don't use the metric system. Celcius, meter, kilogram, liter, everything that you know that was good and easy in your life: gone. Everything you've learned in all your school years. Gone. 100 degrees boiling point, 0 degrees melting point? Gone. Buying a liter of juice at the grocery store? Gone. In place is Fahrenheit (which is like wtf), feet (sigh), pound (prepare to become much heavier, as if the Americans need it. Maybe that's why they have obesity problems), ounce or whatever the fuck it is they use for liter - I didn't even bother. You could learn their ways or stick obstinately to what people use worldwide. The glorious metric system. Or you could master both and be better than them in one more way. I chose this.

I'll try to keep it short from now.

2. If you're from most of Asia, or the UK, or Australia, or Japan (which are where all the awesome countries are) or anywhere else in the blue range, then be prepared. They drive on the different side of the road. That means you are always, forever, going to try and get on the same side as the driver. Embarrassing, but if your driver finds your international ways endearing then it's pretty cute.

3. Different movie tastes. There are going to be some things that they go, "Omg you haven't seen this yet?!? You have to see this!" False. You don't have to see it. Not everyone knows or have heard of that show, and you won't ever need to.

4. Walmart/department shopping. You can get everything there. Be prepared to pretty much never ever visit individual stores again. Because there are almost none. They are just big chain stores or department stores where you can get everything. Prepare for department shopping. If you didn't like shopping at Parkson, or Tangs, or Isetan, then you're fucked. Okay there's Forever 21 and H&M, exceptionally awesome ones. That's about it. Buy all your clothes there.

5. Very, very low malls. They have one floor or two floors at most. It's weird, and honestly very unappealing. The way it's designed is a lot like the Tesco and Giant hypermarkets that we have. U-ge-leh. Their malls will all also look the same, whether you're in Rochester or Washington DC. You'll feel the same. Probably that's why they never leave their country. They like it that way.

6. Okay good thing for once. Amazon, Ebay, online shopping. Love it, use it, master it. It will be your best friend.

7. Count on things to be reasonably priced, at least not overpriced as some are in Asia, and actually work/quality is good. Because they aren't ridiculously marked up. Things like electronics and personal care items. Oh and vibrators. Basically things that are used by the masses. I come back and I frequently find myself going, "Bah, this is so much cheaper in America." However, some things may surprise you. Some electronics may be cheaper to buy here, but you can always hunt for bargains online.

8. For people who live in tropical countries and are going over to the East Coast/Norther regions, IT'S GOING TO BE MOTHERFUCKING COLD. BRING AS MANY LONG-SLEEVED CLOTHES AND PANTS AS YOU CAN FROM HOME. But buy your winter coats and jackets there, because refer to 7.

9. Oh, exchange and return. Guess what? YOU CAN DO THAT IN AMERICA. They make it so easy for you too. If you buy stuff online, they even have a postage stamp ready for you to send things back. God bless them for that. You get to save/not waste a lot of money in America, make full use of it.

10. People there will not know where you're from, so always bring a map with you, or memorize how to tell people where your country is located. Start with like, where England or Antartica is. For the smarter ones you can start with China. You will have to repeat it a zillion times, so you'll be pretty good at it by your like tenth American contact. Also do the Americans a favor, especially if your country is not as well-known on the international stage, and go, "YESSSS MALAYSIA IS ON THE LIST" everytime you see your country appear anywhere in the vision range of the Americans, because most of the time it just slips right past them. It'll help, really.

11. They will think they are the best country on earth. Let them believe that.

12. Ditto with things like freedom and hegemony. It's okay. We are laughing at them on the outside.

13. They will say the stupidest things about Obama, that you wonder why the fuck it even matters when he's doing so much good for their country. Try not to punch them. Unlike them, you have a visa to not lose. They don't even have a passport.

14. You can use your credit card for a lot of things. If at big chains like Taco Bell, you can use it to pay for 1 dollar purchases. Smaller stores require a 5 dollar minimum or so. But if you're at a big store you can count on using your credit card.

15. I don't know what else. A lot of things to watch on the television, if you're into that sort of thing. They will also try to make a reality TV show out of everything, like mobs' wives, or some shit like that.

16. Oh, you go bowling as entertainment. -_-

17. I've heard this from many, and I can testify. You generally just get shitty haircuts overseas. Which is weird because it's not like the people in America have bad hair or anything. Maybe a problem of perception. So cut your hair before you leave home, or anticipate to cut it when you go home. If you're a guy I don't know.

I suppose that's all I can think of for now. If anymore, I shall update the list.

"She spoke Spanish with a French accent, having difficulty rolling her r's, dragging them on the ground as only the French have the right to do. How do such flaws become beautiful in the right person? ... I asked if she liked the park. She said the survival of Gaudi's work is 'a reprimand to Franco'. Which struck me as one of those strong, stupid opinions that are endearing in their way."
- Ilustrado, Miguel Syjuco

I wanna tell you.

So I was asking a friend, how do I release things that are bottled up inside, and of course the answer hit me. So here I am. So let's be brutally honest. It's been a while since I've been brutally honest.

I want to cry. At every possible thing. Have you seen a narcissist cry? Yeah it's bad.

The distance is impinging on me. I can't do this. It's too hard. Especially given the nature of us. I was okay with the games and power play when we were physically near, but now it just seems a lot like nothing. Of course I don't mean all this. It's the distance talking. And maybe I just don't like it as much as you do. Everyday it kills me to know what we have is based on that. Because everyday I feel like I can't do it anymore. Of course I don't mean all this. It's the distance talking.

I am compensating for all the two months now that I have not brought up the distance. I thought if I didn't, it'd go by faster. If I didn't, it would make the problems not real. If we don't talk about it, how is it real?

But it's real as fuck. And it's affecting me. Us. Scratch that. It's affecting me. But I don't want to tell you of course. Because I don't want you to start being self-conscious of all the shit you say around me, because what we have is based on all the shit you say around me. Then perhaps what we have is not right then? No. It is the distance talking.

You're happy. I don't want to ruin that. If I tell you the truth, which I don't mean, it'll ruin the high you are on. What kind of a shitty ass move is that. Why tell the truth, that will become the untruth in 26 days, when I see you again, snuggle up in your arms and everything is fine again? Why tell you that I really don't want to hear anymore about how you want to throw me around and make me obey you, if I no longer hear about the caresses after?

Exactly. I don't.

Included in the things I don't have to tell you is how upset I feel when I see the things you want me to be and do, but I can't. And how insecure I am when I see others who can, and just how much I do not ever want to feel this way, or be put in this position, and how much I enjoy being single again.

You do enough. To balance out the shittiness you pre-empted in me, to try and make things seem better. You listen to my rants, you keep me in your life even though we're so far, you care, and I know. So maybe I'm just the bitch here. Which is why it's even more important to not tell you.

Urgh I hate how I now write with my audience in mind. Raw emotions are never what they are when watched. Maybe it's for the better.

The red light district.

Laptop is at Toshiba service center. Hard disk error of some sort. I brought it to the center atop the highest floor of Plaza Low Yat. I was cradling the metal child in my arms, its limp cords swinging back and forth as I ascend escalator after escalator. The multitude of vendors along the way that call out to me, whoring their services to me, offering to repair my baby for a small fee. I hated that it was so obvious. I ignored them, and pushed my way forward. What the hell does UG stand for? I ascend.

I got to the fourth floor, and on to the Toshiba service center. It was like an oasis of quieted whiteness amidst the hustle-bustle downstairs. The walls and floor were immaculately shiny. No gaudy, flourescent signs that said "UNLOCKING/JAILBREAK". Just serenity. I was in heaven. I was told to take a number. I sat and waited, as the person in front of me fills up some paperwork. I knew I was next. I knew what had to happen. I handed her over. Was made to put my signature on paper. It wasn't even to fix her. Just a diagnosis. A fucking diagnosis. I signed.

Yeah so basically I have no laptop. Until some unspecificied time next week. They got back to me pretty fast on the diagnosis, so I have hope in the time it'll take them to fix my hard disk. Or was it my hard drive. What's the difference. I don't care.

The unwinnable battle.

For the past few days I have been in turmoil. It was over a decision that would change my life, the things I believed in and the way people would view me. Yes, it was regarding my religion. Literature.

More precisely, the topic of reading and books, and my love for one versus my love for the other. You didn't know there existed a difference between the two loves? Me neither, until the creation of ebooks.

To be more comprehensive, it also includes switching over from paper to electronic, because I was thinking of ditching my big and bulky organizer for the Calendar app in iPad, which I can also utilize to download books and read. God, just saying the words "download books" makes me cringe in old-fashioned disgust.

Also might I remind you I am a big, big Apple HATER and to make this purchase would be selling out.

But on to matters of the heart. Books. Paperbacks are my favorite kind. I've always hated hardcovers - I never got the point. I always thought it was purely pretentious, with no economical or convenience sense whatsoever for the avid reader. And those hardcover books with some sort of detachable paper sheath over it? Da fuck? Those were the most annoying, pain-in-the-ass things I've ever had to deal with. Read Nabokov's memoir in a book like that, had to transport it trans-atlantic, and then trans-pacific, cover edges were properly damaged by the time I had the sense to remove them.

So I am anal about my books, yes. I like them the way I like them, and anything more (like large-sized paperbacks won't do too. They can't fit in my purse, or even if they do, I would rather them not) is a sin. So imagine my horror when I found out ebooks were gaining popularity, and Borders was closing down. Does this portend the death of paperback goodness? And more importantly, where was I going to stand on this?

You say, you can easily do both.

No, I say back. You can't. Do you think the Darth Vader calls you over to the dark side, and then say oh maybe you can dabble a little in the Jedi Council, and then come back to the dark side? Oh maybe you can be both?

No. No you can't be. Once you cross over, that's it. You've contributed to the loss of a culture, a way of life, a period of time.

I'm being dramatic, but whatever.

My love for books is real. The way they fit in your hand, so lovingly, waiting to be read; the recycled paper that makes up the pages, the grainy, pulpy feel, so coarse, yellow and imperfect; the matte finish of the cover, feeling the ridges of the book title, running your fingers along it; the spine of the book, so steady and reliable, the thickness of it both a challenge and a delight; how you fall asleep with it splayed open on your chest, or resting on your lap as you check your text messages on a phone, which should remain a phone, and only a phone, and not a device for reading; how sometimes you make a grab for any random object to serve as a bookmark (I am using a bus ticket from my Moscow trip for Miguel Syjuco's Ilustrado); and of course, turning the pages of a real-life book, the sounds of the novel's plot flipping ahead, the smell of a thrill you will soon absorb, the font text so tangible.

All of that replaced by a machine that programs the sounds and actions of pages flipping  to make it seem like you're not living a total lie.

I'm afraid I might be writing an obituary more than anything though, because they have gotten me. These soul-sucking corporate giants have struck right at the heart of book-lovers, at the only thing they could possibly cherish more than books: reading.

The promise of convenience, of having 3,500 books at your fingertips, of having it delivered to you wherever and whenever you want, as opposed to going out to a bookstore or waiting for your Amazon package in the mail, the promise of a much easier device to carry around in our little girl purses, as opposed to War and Peace, the promise of cheaper books, the promise of increased reading due to the convenience of it ... all of this tempts us.

Especially when my body is not exactly built for carrying War and Peace, or any other epic novels, for a long period of time. Or for the transferring of any heavy objects, such as the many, many books that would have piled up by the end of my college years in America. It's a pain in the ass already having so many things to store during the summer, and books are just stacking up by the year. My Dad suggests bringing some books home everytime I made the trans-Pacific journey home, but Daddy! Overweight luggage!

As an English slash Russian Studies slash History student, I have a heavy reading list for each class. I can easily get 5 to 8 books ... per class. I have four, five classes a semester. That makes for 40 books per year, the very minimum, and a whopping 160 in four years. Holy hell.

I am also a sucker for convenience, and if the iPad proves to be a one-stop center for my organizing, reading and Facetime (I am so mad that I'm getting this whole Apple jargon) needs, I might very well get it. It'd be nice to only have to carry one thing, instead of five.

What's annoying is that I didn't think I'd need an iPad until I started creating all these problems for myself. I like my organizer, I like books (as you can see). But now that I know I have the option to not have to carry as many things, I start to want them, and for a brief moment, my life becomes hell as I think about how I don't have them, and how I could have them. Consumerism sucks.

But I don't know. I don't know if I wanna give in to this sick need for convenience and portability. Maybe humans are meant to not have everything in one place, and to think for ourselves what we need, and how we wanna carry our things around. And the more I think about it, the more I can't live with ebooks. The idea of not being able to flip physical pages to get to what I want is a horror ... maybe I will have to ship home my someday, or carry less things in my luggage to make way for these books, to bring them back to my real home. After all, if they're real to me, I can do that for them.

Or I could use ebooks for these years of my life, and switch back once I finally settle down somewhere? But what do I do with all the books that are in my iPad then? Good God, what if my iPad breaks and all my books just disappear forever? But no, God, no! I can't! eBooks are disgusting!

I need to stop.

People and their bullshit nowadays.

There was a time when criticisms and insults bothered me. This blog might even have witnessed this, way back then. And then I stepped over that bump. Major. I remember clearly when I was no longer bothered by what people said about me, when I could face the worst criticisms, laugh and move on - sometimes even taking a sick pleasure in it. I told myself I will never again be unnecessarily judged and derogated, even if it means secluding myself from a sizable section of society. I just didn't care anymore. I was way too comfortable with myself for that shit.

And I cannot believe this is happening again. All this belittling, telling me how to lead my life, pre-empting problems for me that I cannot even begin to see (yes because I'm going to spend all this time I have trying to solve problems that I don't even know are going to happen, instead of focusing on what is good for me now. Yes), telling me I'm despicable, a hypocrite, a disgrace to all things wonderful (this one's true), that I'm a fucking cunt.

And I have no real response to all that. The situation is just too implicated by emotions. Mine, and his. Minds have been made up. It was tragic.

In other news, I've also been called a "semi-functional autistic immigrant who will be lucky to touch shit with my hands" by an American. But I laughed off that one, and called the guy "cute". Stupid kids trying to fuck with me.

"What is the necessity for this show of might against right? No matter what, right will always prevail," - Ambiga Sreenevasan

IGP: Police provoked, Anwar injured

Inspector-general of police Ismail Omar today defended the police's use of tear gas and water cannons against Bersih 2.0 protesters, claiming that they were provoked into action and used only “minimal” force to disperse them.




0:12 doesn't look very provoked to me...

On claims that riot police fired tear gas into the premises of the Tung Sin Hospital along Jalan Pudu – where protesters had sought refuge – he dismissed them as mere “berita angin” (rumours).









Ismail also downplayed the turnout of the protesters in support of Bersih 2.0, saying that the crowd only assembled at no more than two locations. He insisted that the crowd had only assembled at Jalan Pudu and outside Stadium Merdeka along Jalan Loke Yew.




Chinatown.


From Jalan Sultan to Jalan Hebat.


From KTM to Pasar Seni.

And of course, let's not forget Ottawa, Hong Kong, Australia (Adelaide, Melbourne, Sydney, Perth, Canberra), Taipei, Osaka, Geneva, Paris, London and various places in America - New York, San Francisco, Portland, Washington DC, LA. I've also seen pictures of people congregating in Nepal and Egypt. On any other day these people probably won't even admit they are Malaysian.

Can everything that comes out of the police force's mouth not just be PLAIN LIES? Who the fuck are you defending anyway? A government that severely underpays you that you have to resort to the lowest order of corruption practices? Who can we trust, if not our police?

Another question: Where the fuck is our journalistic integrity? Are we really no worse than the slimy, underhanded dumbfucks behind Fox News? I am ashamed by how our mainstream media has reacted against the Bersih rally. If there's one thing this rally has shown me, it's the disparity between what I am reading and what is actually happening. I knew of this before, but I now know the appalling severity of how much the Malaysian people are being lied to. I literally could not sit still in my living-room as I watch the newscasters on TV3 speak about the rally like they haven't got their brains screwed in for them that night. Followed by of course dumb and less-than-mediocre reports about how the rally is affecting the businesses of the people, shots of empty stores and bus stations, interviews with people who all surprisingly oppose the rally because it is an "inconvenience" ... and nothing for the voices of people who support the rally.

In what universe is this objective news? And in what universe is this okay? Wake up, Malaysian people. News with purely propaganda purposes should be viewed with suspicion, not blindly accepted. When the TV3 newscasters had their "professional" faces on and proceeded to shat on the rally like their life depended on it, I think I puked a little in my mouth.

It is disgusting. And I can't say I've been proud of the angles that The Star has been taking on the rally, which is so obviously government-bias. Not only have we lost in every other respect to the other countries, we have also lost in our integrity. Safe to say I will not be applying for jobs at any of these news publications in the near future. I rather work for a small, unknown publication and keep my integrity, rather than bullshit my way to the top at the expense of the Malaysian people.

Someone should also really fucking teach our pea-brained Prime Minister the meaning of pro-reform. Has he had not has his history lessons? If he has, then he should know what happens when the government ignores moderate calls for reform.

I still don't know who I should be voting for in my next - and first ever - election. But I know who I am not going to vote for.

PS - I hope people everywhere - journalists, newscasters, politicians, police force - see what is obviously going on. Compare raw facts (photos, videos, testimony from people) with show of raw power by the government. If we, the common people, refuse to lie for the ruling elites, and refuse to accept their lies, that's when change happens.

I love this space.

More than my Facebook, Twitter and Google. I blog so far and few nowadays, the point isn't pictures anymore, this is not a social networking site, so anyone who's still here must be here for a reason.

I guess I kinda like where I am in life right now. The impossible has been done, the bad kind of crazy has been minimized. I like him a lot, but sometimes I wonder just how much of me he can take. I'm impulsive, capricious, bipolar, messy, indignant ... and he is not the most tolerant of people. If opposites attract, I'm interested to see how this is going to work. The sex is great though.

Location-wise, it's just been really strange. This is my first real "summer", and it sucks ass. I'm more bored than I usually would be if this was not a "summer". I did my share of traveling already, and now I'm just bored. It's all too weird for me because summer to me doesn't mean what summer has meant to the other people all this while. I lived in summer for 20 years. My school year started in January. The sun sets at 7pm everyday.

I should go out and work, but I'm afraid if I do then I'm gonna miss sitting around on my ass, doing nothing. Maybe that's what I need. Lose it to miss it. Really wish life didn't work that way.

Woo look at me I am so pretty in my picture because I use shitty low quality web cams to take pictures of myself and make the surroundings really dark but oh hey I can't really do that because of White Nights in Russia and then I use them as profile picture omg I'm so pretty yay I also try to tilt my head this way so I look sooooo pretty woooo ranked 94 in the nation wooo.