As the year draws to an end, I can't help thinking about the things I wish I had done earlier (or had not).
Okay that was a lie. It's not because the year is drawing to an end. It's because I have this horrible pimple on my face and so I'm confining myself and my pimple to house arrest so I have more time to contemplate on my life.
But really these things have been lingering around my mind for a while, especially when I was doing my senior page for my yearbook (our yearbook allocates one whole page for individual seniors sort of as our honor!).
The first thing being, I wish I had loved my parents more.
I know that's brutally straightforward and honest, and you might be going, Er maybe you might wanna reword that so it won't be misconstrued but nope, right there, that's how I really feel right now.
I'm not going to lie. I was a horrible kid. If you had placed an eggplant next to me, that eggplant would have been a better daughter. Thinking back on the things I've done (and had not done ... sometimes the things you don't do are just as bad as the things you do), it's enough to make me wish my parents really did have an eggplant for a daughter. Yes I was that horrible.
All the times I've fought with them, said hurtful words I've never meant, said hurtful words I have meant, complained and grumbled whenever on family outings, the number of times I've slammed that door ... I don't get why teenagers are hormonally constituted to rebel against the people who love and care for them the most.
I see my brother in that growing process now and I always remind him to not rebel so much by giving him an occasional smack in the head once, and I wish Skype would install some function that will assist me in that when I'm in America next year.
I fully intend to give him a serious talk that no one had given me when I was young about loving your parents. Or maybe someone did, but I forgot. -_-
It's also thinking about how I'm leaving next year, and then contrasting that prospect against my childhood times, it made me put myself in my parents' shoes and think about how much they must have been through just raising me.
Which makes it even worse that everytime they tried to tell me how much they loved and cared for me as a kid, expecting more from me, I've always disappointed them.
If you think it sucks to disappoint people, just think about how much it sucks to disappoint people who could not have done anything that bad to justify your teenage angst against them. So what if they embarrassed you that one time in front of your friends? So what if they came all the way to your party just to check if you were lying? When you grow up you learn to stop caring about all that.
I try to compensate now by being nicer and spending more time with them (various small things that people always take for granted), but I only have six more months (or less) before I leave for America for four years. How much time do I have to make up for years of oversight?
It's like playing in the Premier League. If you keep losing out in the beginning, it'll be so much harder for you to catch up in the end. That's why I just shouted so loudly at the television at Fulham's almost-goal. They already have one goal against Man Utd. FML.
Okay the point is love your parents, or at least keep that in mind while you're slamming that door in their faces.
That's just one of the major things. The others being, I wish I had not spent four years of my teen life in a relationship (singular, not plural - you've heard a lot about this I won't go on about it again), I wish I had known who my true friends were, I wish I had started watching football earlier (though if Man Utd loses tonight again I'm going - WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT GOAL), I wish I had thought more about others than myself (and I don't mean caring about people in faraway poverty-stricken countries, just simple things like watching your words and action when you're in anger), I wish I had gotten a pet before all this work started kicking in ... combination of small and big things.
But I'm glad that in the past two years I've done things that have changed me so much as a person, that really sparked all these realizations and changes in my life, and I owe a lot to my parents for agreeing to send me to such an amazing school.
In two years ...
I've made new friends, whose different personalities, backgrounds and family lives have made me see new things, one way or another.
Attended a proper prom for once, with all the hype and anticipation, and wore a long dress for the first time.
Found out new things about myself, and how my life was seen from other people's eyes.
Made friends that were for keeps.
Found love for my culture and country, ironically in an international school.
Met guys, and understood them a lot better.
Met myself, and am still trying to understand myself better than I did yesterday.
Though all these involved putting on a uniform again even after I've graduated from local school, I think it's a pretty good trade. :)
